The Time Bomb Next Door

"I wouldn't want to be his neighbor because whoever's his neighbor, one day is going to have to testify in court." ~Eric

He Makes a Mean Old-Fashioned Too

"Frank Stitt is classically trained in French cooking, which is the pinnacle of culinary...whatever, something or other." ~Eric

Just Say No

"If there's one thing you can say about drug culture, it's that it's not cool." ~Mark

Poetic Justice

"I poked myself in the face intimidating you." ~Adam

Uncool by Association

Me: Hey, I know that guy.

Eric: God, don't admit that.

He Doesn't Do Metaphors

"You can't express something as profound as life after death using a couple of fetuses talking to each other." ~Eric

Not Getting Any Younger

"I'll give it 10 minutes. If this place doesn't shape up soon, I'm going to Above." ~girl in bathroom at Steel

The Invisible Emotion

"It's hard to document lonely. The camera doesn't pick up the desperation." ~Adam

Hipster Envy

"Life would be so much easier if we were all hipsters." ~Eric

The Line Is Drawn

"It wouldn't be unusual for me to read an article about networking when I'm on the toilet, but I'm not reading about SAN storage when I'm on the toilet." --Eric

Cheap Hotels

"Did you know hotels are not cheap anymore? They're like $80." —Amy

Not in the Ear!

Me: I was just yesterday told not to put anything in my ear.
Stephen: There goes the love life.

Crawfish Cult

"It's good to be back in the South. Are y'all liquored up? Liquored up on Jesus." ~Ian Astbury

State of Unconsciousness

"Technically, you cannot give consent if you're not conscious. I mean, according to the law." ~Laurel

I've Been to Tropical

Mickey: I've been to tropical.
Adam: No, you haven't.
Mickey: I've been to Panama City.
Adam: Where do you want to go, then, Nebraska?
Mickey: Yeah, the telephone museum is there.
Adam: You hate the telephone.
Mickey: Yeah, I wish they were all in museums.

Car Problems

"I broke my whole undercarriage, and that's not a euthanism." -Megan

House Hunting

Me: If you find a walking house...
Eric: You don't hesitate. You buy that shit.

Living With You, for One

Me: I don't want to live on a hill like that. That would get old, I'm telling you.
Eric: You say that about a lot of things. What wouldn't get old, besides being in a traveling carnival?

They're More Concerned About the Cheap Shirt

"And then my shirt breaks and my boob falls out, and I'm like, 'Oh, yeah, we're in a gay club. I don't care.'" -Megan

God Doesn't Understand Highway 280

Eric: They didn't have traffic lights when God was around...I guess God was never really "around."
Me: God was always around.
Eric: Yeah, but not in traffic.

A Good Host Blames It on the Guests

"If we run out of food, we'll just say, 'Good God, y'all eat a lot." -Eric

Pot Kettle Black

Eric: She called YOU a redneck?
Dawn: Yeah. In her jorts.

I'm Concerned...About Your Manners

Brendhan: Did you get hit in the head with a football?
Jackson: No.
Brendhan: No SIR.

Beans

"Beans beans, good for your heart. The more you eat 'em, the more you poot. Beans beans, they're delicious. They're really good. It doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to taste good." -Eric

It's Downhill (Literally) After Kids

"There's only one thing we used to do that we don't do anymore. We don't make our own hashbrowns. We go down to Waffle House." ~Brendhan