EPSTEIN DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF

 "Remember when Christmas decorations used to be about Christmas and not dead sex offenders?" —Nicolette

Blake on Extroversion

 "I enjoy hanging out with people. It's a skill of mine."

Blake on Niagara Falls

 "I know what Niagara Falls is. I've seen it. The idea is just...death."

Where War Went Wrong

"Come to think of it, I can't think of a single historical battle that shouldn't have included kitties with bonnets." ~Sara

The Tao of Mark

"There’s no resistin’ the Christian."

"Dogs don't really care about NASA or any of that stuff."

With Friends Like These

If someone throws a rock through your window, that's grounds for removal from your life, is it not? —Keith

She got framed in a cat-killing case. —Alicia

Alabama Dreamin'

If I got any throat tattoo, it would be that one. —Michael

If I could have anything, it would be a magic carpet. —Bobbi

Mission: Vodka

Bobbi: Where's that vodka?
Me: I haven't seen any vodka.
Bobbi: I'll find it.

DIY Pool Lighting

Challenge yourself to do this: Break up some glow sticks, bundle them up, and shove them in an egg. —probably Alicia

Don't Rain on the Piercing Parade, Mom

Sommer: Have you ever heard of bleeding to death?
Maggie: From my earlobe?
Sommer: Your head is very vascular.
Maggie: We don't need you.

One Sheet to the Wind

I'm in the zone in all areas. I feel like I could assemble a large puzzle. —Blake

Blake on Mark Zuckerberg

He's just an eccentric programmer that happened to develop the most popular social media platform in the world.

Blake on Alexa

So I can literally ask it whatever.

It's a Pleasant Surprise

You never know when a song is going to be about murder. —Nicolette

One Mixer Short of a Full Bar

I want you to have everything you want. But I don't have anything to mix with vodka. —Blake

Adoption Announcement

Tanya: Did she say a kid?
Me: She said a cat.
Tanya: No, she said a kid.

Girls Trip (Names Withheld to Protect the Innocent)

"Body fart"

"I think meat stick could be really good because it could be a Slim Jim or..."

"Come here, bad girl."

"My smile muscles are inflamed."

"The back of the van, where Ali was conceived."

"In New Zealand, if you're a cunt, you're a good cunt."

"I need a verb." "Prairie-doggin'."

"Twerking. It makes me have to pee, though."

Like Mother, Like Daughter

I'm living my best life—but don't put apples in my dessert. —Nicolette

What Meat Loaf Was Referring To

I would do anything for you—except talk to those motherfuckers at Mortgage Bank. —Eric

More Cowbell

Me: What are you doing to your exhaust?
Blake: Trying to make it sound like a Porsche.
Me: [side eye] Are you trying to make a loud car?
Blake: It's not loud...um...it's tuned. When you see what I create, you'll understand.

No Axes Allowed

Bobbi: Mike, we're having the lumberjack party here.

Mike: Those fuckers aren't coming in my house, though. 

OK, In the Ear

"If you can put that in your vagina, then surely I can put it her ear." —Sommer

Blake on Couples Therapy

"There are two sides to every story: black, white, and gray."

I'm a Gemini

Me: I'm going to make my New Year's tradition to do nothing.
Blake: You were just talking about cleaning out the house.

He's Way Ahead of Me

Me: How many firearms do you think are in the building?
Blake: Twelve.