Tommy Lee Goes To College

Tommy Lee's tutor: Do you have any goals?
Tommy Lee (playing video game): I don't know how to set this thing to two-player, but I'm going to figure it out.

Always With the Encouragement

"Just remember, when we start to raise our kids, what kind of cat you raised."--Eric

Neighborly Love

Adam: I've never actually seen his wife leave the house.
Eric: Probably because she's inanimate and made of latex.

Lifestyles of the Neat and Clean

Teacher: We don't have buses at this school.
Student 1: Yes we do. Every morning I see one come through my neighborhood.
Student 2: That's for the maids.
Student 3: And the housekeepers.

It's OK, We're All BFF After 3 Drinks

Girl I just met: He had her picture sitting by the bed, and I could see it while we were having sex. I don't think he's over her. What do you think?
Girl's friend: She thinks it's too much information.

Biodiversity Training

"I'm a bird racist. I really need to go home and think about this." --Alice

Nature or Nomenclature?

Anna: If a cat could be gay or bulimic, that would be her.
Erin: It probably doesn't help that you call her Sugar.

The Accidental Arsonist

"Certainly one of the most intriguing interviews was with President Pompidou of France just before he traveled to the U.S. for the first time. He smoked incessantly, with the cigarette wiggling around in his mouth as he talked, and finally hot ash dropped on his desk. It set some papers on fire, smoke was wafting up, and all I could think was, Mon Dieu, I am going to be blamed for the destruction of the Elysée Palace." —Dick Stolley

Game Night Stealth Tactics

"You see how the girls cheat. A lot of it's by guilt." --Bill

A Lethal Combination

"I used to be in an outlaw country band, but egos got in the way. 'Course, the real problem was, it was just a bunch of alcoholics and drug addicts." --Mark

Anyone Else Hear Lambs Screaming?

"Mr. Scherer put his favorite anatomical torso, which dates to about 1940, on a wood pedestal he thinks probably came from a church, in front of a vintage mirror in the great room of his Catskill farmhouse."

--from http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/10/07/garden/20091008-catskills-slideshow_6.html

Double the Unnecessary Adjectives

Me: They've already used the word "unctuous" twice in the same issue. That's a word you use like once every 10 years.
Eric: It's a double issue, honey.

Once a Smart-Ass, Always a Smart-Ass

Amy: You know you're wearing Alabama colors.
Amanda: Well, let's just pretend that I'm...not.

----------------

Kay: Do you know what that is?
Amanda: A vision board?
Kay: Do you know what it's for?
Amanda: Vision?

Oops

Eric: My little weiner came out and said, "Are we on our honeymoon? I want to see."
Me: Is that inappropriate for the blog?
Eric: Yes, the words "my little weiner" should never appear on your blog.

All a Rock Star Needs

"I've got a six-string upstairs, a 12-string downstairs, and I have thoughts." --Q

You Know You Need To Vacuum When...

"How did cat hair get up there?" --Cole, 8

Get Your Air Drums Right

"That's on the hi-hat, not the cymbal." --Eric

Why I Won't Let Him Go To Asia

Caption on Sunrise Earth about Chinese fisherman: The traditional palm frond shield repels water and protects from the hot sun.
Eric: Yeah, well it's still unnecessarily shaped. But the skirt too? That's gotta be some gay ceremonial garb or something.

The Man Does Not Snack. And I'm the Weird One?

Me: Wouldn't it be cool if humans had pouches like kangaroos?
Eric: You'd just keep snack food in yours.

-------------------------------------------------
Eric: Lord have mercy on your after-hours colon.

And Let's Hope You Didn't Procreate First

"People think 'I don't think it will happen to me. I've driven tired plenty of times and not had an accident.' The difficulty with that particular argument is that you usually only have one fatigue-related accident and then you are removed from the gene pool." --straightfaced British guy on sleep deprivation documentary

(Game Night Craziness!)

"The real bitch of it was everyone thought I was a calculator. I have an antenna!" --Erin

"Just because I have a pool doesn't mean it's a sex pool." --Anna

"You're not having a good time without Kohler. K-O-H-L-E-R." --Anna

Adventures in Puerto Rico

"We bit off more than we could chew. But we washed it down with some rum punch." --Eric

"Alabama? Really? You don't sound hick." --waitress at roadside restaurant

Imagination Is More Important Than Knowledge

"Life would be so much easier for you if you lived in reality. Your life is a constant episode of Scrubs." --Eric

Quotable Unclutterer Commenter (Say It Fast)

"Vegetable juice? Yuck. I just uncluttered my stomach thinking about it." —Michael, on Unclutterer.com

King of the Road

Eric B: Mark, you're all over the road.
Mark: It's my road.

A Laser Pointer Isn't One of Them

"I bring plenty of things to dinner that I don't play with at the table." --Eric

You Have To Spell Things Out for Some People

"You cannot become Dennis Rodman." --my mom, to Nelson

Freeze-Out at the Disco

"I love winter, but 12 degrees is for Panic at the Disco fans." --Eric

The Complicated Thought Process of a Network Engineer

"I would think you're joking, except that I'm pretty sure you're serious." --Eric

My Thoughts Exactly

"Why are some cats softer than others? Is it possible I have the softest cat in the world?" --question sent in to Slate.com's Explainer

Gold, Frankincense, and Futuristic Technology

Me (listening to "Sleigh Ride"): Do you ever wonder what Christmas used to be like to make people want to write songs like this?
Eric: No. I guess I just assumed they'd always been there. Like when they opened the box that came with Jesus, there were a couple of CDs in there.

Excusable, If He Weren't Parked at Home Depot

"That's the parking job of a man whose wife is in labor and he has to get parked before the head pops out." --Eric

Ironically, It's Probably the One Thing He Won't Get

"All I want for Christmas is some shame." --Eric

Lots of Fun With Pictionary

"Fart is equal to smocking. I mean, come on." --Betsy

Keeping Dion in the Dark: Priceless

"It doesn't have a pricetag on it. How do I know how much to love you now?" --Dion

Mini-mosity

"To me, this is the fun size. Those little ones, those aren't fun." --Holly, holding up the "real" fun size 3 Musketeers

I Love CBS Football

"If you're a conoisseur of turnovers, today is your day." --Verne Lundquist

Our Superstore Is Superer Than Your Superstore

Adam: Their Wal-Mart isn't even an updated Wal-Mart.

Love? I Don't Know About That

Me: Ok, I'll just sit here and be boring.
Eric: Finally, the Kate I know and love.

How Can Mashed Potatoes Ever Be Wrong?

Eric: What are you going to cook with that?
Me: Mashed potatoes?
Eric: You just went the wrong way on the delicious scale.

The Accidental Postmodernist

"I seem to have created a post modern pagan death punk living space." --Nelson

A Man's Take on Fear-Inducing Power Tools

"I'd take that two-cycle chainsaw and make it a four-cycle and add a catalytic converter." --Eric

I Need a Bed, He Needs an Audience

"I don't know what it is about four beers, but after four, I need a guitar." --Eric

What You Talkin' About, Willis?

"You think with your face." --Eric, to me

Recession Hits High School Pranksters

Adam: They left a note on a teacher's car saying that they were going to blow it up.
Eric: What ever happened to eggs and toilet paper?
Adam: Those things are expensive these days.

All My Decorating Dilemmas Solved

Mickey: What you need to do is get some of those shelves you put whatnots on.
Me: I'm not a big fan of whatnots.
Mickey: Well, put something else there, then. I don't know, erotica?

Charm...Attack

Eric: What are you doing?
Me: Cooking ramen and playing with my paint.
Eric: I love that you're so honest with me...and you're kind of a Saturday Night Live skit.

My Morning Jacket's Latest Album

"It's like Prince and Jay Mascis had a baby and gave it up for adoption and it was raised by Styx and Moby in 1983." --Eric

Olympic Wisdom: Volleyball

Announcer: You know, I asked her the other day why she wears the black kinesiotape instead of blue, and she said, "It's like Tiger Woods when he plays on a Sunday. He wears red. I wear black. The power color."
Eric: I doubt it went quite like that.
__________________________________
Me: He keeps saying May. Her name is May-Treanor now.
Eric: Her name is Meesty.

More Olympic Wisdom: Gymnastics

"If you had told Russia they would come away with no medals from these games, they would have said, "You're wrong." —Announcer
_____________________
(Eric is fascinated that someone in West Des Moines made a sculpture of Shawn Johnson out of butter.)

"Shawn deserves a medal to hang on the butter." —Eric

"Go Nastia. Take it away from Shawn. That little brat has herself in butter." —Eric
_____________________
Eric: If she doesn't shed a tear, I'm going to declare her a robot.
Kate: I think I see one right there.
Eric: That's not a tear. That's where her cheeks have squeezed one out of her tear ducts from smiling so much.

Losing Never Sounded So Poetic—and Fun

"Monaco. Back to enjoy, back to party, back not necessarily to win a medal." --Olympics announcer

Beijing 2008: Opening Ceremonies

Announcer: How many places can you go around the world where the culture is old enough that you could say, "Oh by the way, the Chinese invented paper and printing." That's actually true here.
Eric: I'd say you could probably go to any country in the world and say that the Chinese invented paper and printing and it would be true.
----------------------------
Eric (after the people popped out of the boxes): I was afraid they were going to pop people out of those boxes.
________________________________
Announcer: Don't go away. Why would you?

Measureable Devotion

Me: I thought about coming to see you in April, but it's just so expensive.
Nelson: That's ok. I don't miss you that much.
Me: Oh, you don't?
Nelson: No, I only miss you about once a week.

Open Mouth, Insert Wrath of God

"It's hard to look cool when you're an albino burn victim with earplugs in...Oh my God I'm going to hell. Honey, I'm going to miss you." --Eric

But XBox Live Friends, That's Another Story

"Facebook friends do not a social life make." --Eric

Calling Him "Shun" Is Probably A Bad Idea

"Shawn's still not sure he wants to ruin his rock persona by singing some country songs." --Eric

Suddenly, As In Constantly for the Past Year and a Half

Me: How does it always happen that I have nothing to wear? Suddenly I don't feel right in any of my clothes.
Eric: Suddenly I don't feel right about not having a big screen.

5 de Mayo—Vive La Tequila! Or Not

Waiter: And for you sir?
Eric: Coke.
Waiter: On the rocks? Oh...Coke.

Real Life Law & Order Asks the Important Questions

"If you're going to be locked in a closet, do you really want to be locked in a closet by somebody ugly? --MLJ

I'm Saving My Soul for the Big Money

"I don't mind. I'll put my heart and s--I'll put my heart into it." --Alice

Kosher Coke: Not God's #1 Priority

"When you're talking about kosher, does it really matter if you're talking about a drug or a drink? Not technically, in God's eyes." --Mark

The Definition of Rock 'n' Roll

"It just makes you want to grab a sledgehammer and do some blue-collar work when you hear it." --Eric (on "Born to Run")

Eric Talks Smack

"Who are you? You're Kentucky. You're blue and white. And one of those isn't even a color." --Eric

Why God Invented Heelys

Boy at store: I'm tired. I want to go home.
Mom: If you're so tired, when we get home, you can go straight to bed.
Boy: I don't want to go to bed. It's just that my legs can't walk anymore.

Trash No One Treasures

Old lady 1: Demitasse cups. Who wants those?
Old lady 2: Someone might. You could give them as gifts.
Old lady 1: OK, I'll give them to you.
Old lady 2: You better not.

--overheard at estate sale

I Forgot, We *Don't* Throw Oranges At Each Other

"That's why we don't have food fights--it may be fun, but it's not worth the clean-up." --Eric

Two Hearts, One Beating

"That's the ultimate in safe--when you're in love with a dead man." --Beth

A Double-Edged Gift

"Hey Dad, for Christmas, I got you manual labor at my house. What, you don't want my gift?" --Eric

30 Going On Pirate

"I don't want you to get scurvy." --J. B., after throwing orange slice at Andrew

Those Penny-Pinching Manilans

Eric: What's Manila?
Me: There's a place called Manila.
Eric: I know, but were they the first place to make folders?
Me: I don't know.
Eric: Were they a place that said, "Uh, we're too poor--don't put pockets on that thing"?

No Threat Left Behind

"I remember last time I made a death threat and I made a grammar mistake, I went back and corrected it. I do that with all my death threats." --Eric

He's Not Good With Names

Eric: "What was Danny's last name in Ocean's 11, 12, and 13?

There's Medication for That

"I'm just really upset because I wouldn't know how to thank a porpoise." --Kyle

It's OK, They're In Massachusetts

"But the car is leading." --Eric, while watching short film with man tango-dancing with a Buick

Dude, Where's Your Satellite?

"It's probably cold somewhere in outer space, and that's where my satellite is parked." --Adam

Eric Does Color Commentary for Junior Brown

"What the hell is going on?"
"WTF was that?"
"I think he's hit his stride."
"OK, he lost me."
"It's not even in the same key."
"Is that In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida?"
"I don't think Junior can handle Birmingham weed."

We Heart Kato-Kailyn

"She doesn't say much, but when she does, it's rife with sarcasm." --Deon

An 11-Year-Old with a .50-Caliber Revolver Spells It Any Way He Wants

"They misspelled Lynyrd Skynyrd on their Web site. Of all the people, I would think the person who killed a 1,000-lb. pig would know how to spell Lynyrd Skynyrd." --Eric

The First Step Is Admitting You're From Alabaster

"That's the bumper sticker I've always wanted to get--Goat Ropers Need Love Too." --Geoff

Scrushy's Second Coming

"He's back--Mr. Charisma. But this time he brings the power of the Lord." --Geoff

And Apparently, No Shame

"This is Natalie. I had the lasagna." --Natalie

She Should Have Been an Accountant

Me: I thought you said you only carry 1 credit card.
GaGa: Well that's the way things are. Nobody ever tells everything completely, the whole thing, the way it always is.

Isn't It Ironic?

John Denver: I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again.
Eric: What you did was leave on an ultralight and didn't come back at all.

Boot-Cut Friday Is So Five Minutes Ago

"It's Tight-Pants Monday. That's the new trend." --Amanda S.

A Veiled Insult, Without the Veil

"People in the publishing industry are weird. And you are one of those people." --Eric

So Much for Romantic Walks on the Beach

Me: We'll be walking when we're at the beach, we just won't be able to tell how far we walk.
(puzzled look from Eric)
Me: I'll be walking.
Eric: Yeah. Thanks for clearing that up.

So Misunderstood

Eric: "Where do you think this theater ranks in terms of..."
Floyd: Nazi architecture? 

Phone My Family, Tell 'Em I'm Lost on the Sidewalk

 "They call me Ansel Adams." --Eric

Turning Prayers To Outrageous Dares

"Conrad's doing the Psalms on Wednesday night--solid, solid." --Floyd 

He Must Be High

"It's...chickentastic." --Floyd

CSI: Broadway

"I was going to write a musical--'Autopsy.'" --Geoff

Calendars Everybody Wants

"Ham? Ham? There's no meat category?" --Eric, browsing calendars on Calendars.com

ACDC, ACDC, ACDC, Nightswimming, ACDC

"Juke box play is like Texas Hold 'Em. It's a whole different ball game when there's money on the table." --B. Dyer

Is That Your Final Diagnosis?

"He's kinda retarded...He's pretty much retarded...He's totally retarded." --Mark

Another Great Way to Get a Date

"Sometimes I introduce myself as, 'Hi. I'm Eric. I know someone with a Blue Oyster Cult tattoo." --Eric

But "Buffy the Vegetarian Slayer" Just Doesn't Have the Same Ring to It

Eric: Christine's a vampire.
Me: What?
Eric: She's a vegetarian. If you don't eat red meat, you're sucking blood from something.

Ask a Johnson a Question, You Get a Johnson Answer

Leigh: Adam, that's big chunky salsa. What is that?
Adam: Big chunky salsa.

The More You Know, There Must Be Something Wrong With You

"He must be autistic. He knows all the state flowers. There's no other reason to know that." --Eric

I Think the Total Number is 31 Now

"I have more balls than y'all think I do." --Natalie

The Fewer Brain Cells, The Better

"Two decent Long Island iced teas would definitely help me do circuit conversions." --Eric

The Best Pick-Up Line Ever

"You look like someone who just doesn't get shaken enough." --Eric

Bicker? Us? Never.

Me (reading): ENTPs love excitement and challenge. They are talkative, clever, and good at many things.
Eric: Why are you still reading about ENTPs? We just established that I'm an INTP.
Me: I think this one sounds more like you.
Eric: What type are you? Stubborn-TP?

Overheard at Oak Hill Bar & Grill

Bartender to girl ordering drink: So are you going to keep your shirt on like the rest of our clientele?

--------

Girl in bustier: It killed me so much, everyone thought I was a lesbian.

--------

Girl in bustier: Everything I knew went out the window.

Dear Monster.com...

"I want to design big machines that make snack cakes." --Eric

You Know You're a Grandpa When...

Geoff: That's my favorite Talking Heads song.
Adam: I don't think you're supposed to have a favorite Talking Heads song.

It's Game Day...and the Insults Are Flying

"That's that same spin move we saw last week. Didn't need it then. Didn't look like he needed it now either." --CBS commentator Verne Lundquist

"He's very adept at running with the ball. Not quite as adept at holding on to it." --Verne Lundquist

Or in Floyd's Words, "Remarkably Horrible"

"It was the worst of Barry White and James Taylor all rolled into one skinny white guy." --Eric, re: the opening band for Wilco

Beating--Check; Furniture--Check

Eric: That guy in Atlanta is trying to get 20% gratuity added onto every check.
Me: Yeah, I think that's wrong.
Eric: I'll drive to Atlanta and beat his ass.
Me: I'll do it too.
Eric: We can do it one weekend and go to Ikea.

Especially When the Eulogy Includes a Folk Song

"I feel like funerals are just funny." --Sarah

The Cold Hard Truth

Sue: I don't think we have that many attractive people in our family.
Dad: I take offense to that. My agent says I'm very attractive.
Sue: You're paying him to say that.

The Picture in My Head is the Funniest Part

"If God wanted sausages made out of vegetables, he would have made pigs out of vegetables." --Eric

Take Me Down to the Paradox City

"If someone is laughing and they say 'I hate you' what are you supposed to believe?" --Lindsey

"A voice from behind me says 'I'm not behind you.' What am I supposed to believe? --Lindsey

A Yankee in Cracker Barrel's Dining Room

"I like the antique thing, but it can get kind of old." --Fran

Word Problems Are for Girls

Mason, age 10: Can you have an uncle that's the same age as you?
Brittany (Mason's mom): Well, if something happened to me someday and your dad got remarried and they had a son, that would be your brother. And then if you had a son around the same time, your little brother would be your son's uncle, even though they're the same age.
Mason: I don't get chick math.

InLawsStormOrphansJakeBrake-oustic

Eric: Well, we haven't played in awhile, and I usually can remember the words better when it's been a long time since we played.
Tanner: God you're such an artist, Eric.

Me: I didn't even feel like drinking tonight.
Eric: Me neither. The only reason I did is because I don't trust the water at the Nick.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

"I find myself wanting more and more to ride the troll train again." --Eric

That's Enough, Hoobastank.

(listening to "The Reason" at a restaurant)

Eric: I can't take it anymore.
Me: Just a few more seconds. It's almost over.
Eric: No it's not. The drums start up again right here. They make you think it's over. But no. They rock you even harder.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

"To find out Santa doesn't exist, that's one thing. But he drives a Dodge Demon??"--Geoff

Day 4: More Praise for the Beach

"What kind of a wuss gulf only goes a mile deep?" --Eric

Her Inner Peter Pan Wants Out

"Because I get shorter ... And I want to fly." --Jessica, explaining why gravity is something she fears

Day 1 of Beach Vacation

Enough of this saltwater air. It's too sticky. --Eric

How Ballsy Is It?

"That's ballsier than white cloth napkins at a barbecue restaurant." --Eric

I Hope We're Talking About Gardening

"My days as a hoer are over." --Bettye, 70-something

Why Katie's Parents Won't Attend the Wedding

"Number one, they're Catholic. Number two, he's a freak." --Holly

Awesomeness Begins Early

"My mom breast-fed us. That's why I'm so awesome now." --Jessica

O'er the Land of the Republicans

"Welcome to the red state of Alabama." --Mary Beth, hearing the national anthem on the plane the instant we landed in AL

Shh...I Don't Think She Knows Yet

Me: I think Sophia's ADD.
Adam: I think she's a housecat.

Some Horn-Rimmed Glasses Should Do It

"If you can't be gorgeous, the second best is edgy." --Alice D.

Unless You're Tommy Lee

"If you can't stay sober for a 24-hour period, you're going to have academic difficulty." --Ashley

And He Cuts the Grass Too

"You live with a live concert." --Ashley

Family Trees 101

"Your father is your mother's husband." --Amanda

You Say Potato

"The Sane River? Is that the same as the Seine?" --GaGa

Damn Glass Ceiling

"I have boobs. Therefore I cannot chop a ham." --Ashley

Forget the Food Pyramid

"All your body wants is prune juice." --Nelson

Just Admit It, You Jammed

"I wouldn't say I 'jammed' with the guitarist from Dead Cell Factor. But I was there; he was there; licks were traded." --Floyd

He Got an A in Deductive Logic

"It's going to be me or him. And if the other guy has a gun, it's probably going to be me." --Eric

Oh, That's How It Works

"It's Valentine's Day. You have to love me." --Natalie

Our Sweet, White Amanda

"Wipe that honky-ass smile off your face and get us the hell out of here." --Amanda

Metaphors Are More Effective When Mixed

"I would have sprung a leap." —Natalie

They Don't Teach Personal Finance at Doper School

"Dopers all got hot tubs. They don't have any sense, you see, but they all got hot tubs." —The Mickster

Hippie-Watching at the DBT show

"I can tell by her boyfriend's shorts she's not a real hippie." —Eric

Change Your Hair, Change Your Life

"Given the right haircut, I could rock." —Mark

The Numbers...They Don't Add Up

Me: Dinner's ready.
Eric, half asleep: How can it be ready if I haven't even fixed it yet?