But "Buffy the Vegetarian Slayer" Just Doesn't Have the Same Ring to It

Eric: Christine's a vampire.
Me: What?
Eric: She's a vegetarian. If you don't eat red meat, you're sucking blood from something.

Ask a Johnson a Question, You Get a Johnson Answer

Leigh: Adam, that's big chunky salsa. What is that?
Adam: Big chunky salsa.

The More You Know, There Must Be Something Wrong With You

"He must be autistic. He knows all the state flowers. There's no other reason to know that." ~Eric

I Think the Total Number is 31 Now

"I have more balls than y'all think I do." ~Natalie

The Fewer Brain Cells, The Better

"Two decent Long Island iced teas would definitely help me do circuit conversions." ~Eric

The Best Pick-Up Line Ever

"You look like someone who just doesn't get shaken enough." ~Eric

Bicker? Us? Never.

Me (reading): ENTPs love excitement and challenge. They are talkative, clever, and good at many things.
Eric: Why are you still reading about ENTPs? We just established that I'm an INTP.
Me: I think this one sounds more like you.
Eric: What type are you? Stubborn-TP?

Overheard at Oak Hill Bar & Grill

Bartender to girl ordering drink: So are you going to keep your shirt on like the rest of our clientele?
_____

Girl in bustier:
It killed me so much, everyone thought I was a lesbian.
_____

Girl in bustier: Everything I knew went out the window.

Dear Monster.com...

"I want to design big machines that make snack cakes." ~Eric

You Know You're a Grandpa When...

Geoff: That's my favorite Talking Heads song.
Adam: I don't think you're supposed to have a favorite Talking Heads song.

It's Game Day...and the Insults Are Flying

"That's that same spin move we saw last week. Didn't need it then. Didn't look like he needed it now either." ~CBS commentator Verne Lundquist

"He's very adept at running with the ball. Not quite as adept at holding on to it." ~Verne Lundquist

Or in Floyd's Words, "Remarkably Horrible"

"It was the worst of Barry White and James Taylor all rolled into one skinny white guy." ~Eric, re: the opening band for Wilco

Beating--Check; Furniture--Check

Eric: That guy in Atlanta is trying to get 20% gratuity added onto every check.
Me: Yeah, I think that's wrong.
Eric: I'll drive to Atlanta and beat his ass.
Me: I'll do it too.
Eric: We can do it one weekend and go to Ikea.

Especially When the Eulogy Includes a Folk Song

"I feel like funerals are just funny." ~Sarah

The Cold Hard Truth

Sue: I don't think we have that many attractive people in our family.
Dad: I take offense to that. My agent says I'm very attractive.
Sue: You're paying him to say that.

The Picture in My Head is the Funniest Part

"If God wanted sausages made out of vegetables, he would have made pigs out of vegetables." ~Eric

Take Me Down to the Paradox City

"If someone is laughing and they say 'I hate you' what are you supposed to believe?" ~Lindsey

"A voice from behind me says 'I'm not behind you.' What am I supposed to believe? ~Lindsey

A Yankee in Cracker Barrel's Dining Room

"I like the antique thing, but it can get kind of old." ~Fran

Word Problems Are for Girls

Mason, age 10: Can you have an uncle that's the same age as you?
Brittany (Mason's mom): Well, if something happened to me someday and your dad got remarried and they had a son, that would be your brother. And then if you had a son around the same time, your little brother would be your son's uncle, even though they're the same age.
Mason: I don't get chick math.

InLawsStormOrphansJakeBrake-oustic

Eric: Well, we haven't played in awhile, and I usually can remember the words better when it's been a long time since we played.
Tanner: God you're such an artist, Eric.
_____

Me: I didn't even feel like drinking tonight.
Eric: Me neither. The only reason I did is because I don't trust the water at the Nick.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

"I find myself wanting more and more to ride the troll train again." ~Eric

That's Enough, Hoobastank.

(listening to "The Reason" at a restaurant)

Eric: I can't take it anymore.
Me: Just a few more seconds. It's almost over.
Eric: No it's not. The drums start up again right here. They make you think it's over. But no. They rock you even harder.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

"To find out Santa doesn't exist, that's one thing. But he drives a Dodge Demon??" ~Geoff

Day 4: More Praise for the Beach

"What kind of a wuss gulf only goes a mile deep?" ~Eric

Her Inner Peter Pan Wants Out

"Because I get shorter ... And I want to fly." ~Jessica, explaining why gravity is something she fears

Day 1 of Beach Vacation

"Enough of this saltwater air. It's too sticky." ~Eric

How Ballsy Is It?

"That's ballsier than white cloth napkins at a barbecue restaurant." ~Eric

I Hope We're Talking About Gardening

"My days as a hoer are over." ~Bettye, 70-something

Why Katie's Parents Won't Attend the Wedding

"Number one, they're Catholic. Number two, he's a freak." ~Holly

Awesomeness Begins Early

"My mom breast-fed us. That's why I'm so awesome now." ~Jessica

O'er the Land of the Republicans

"Welcome to the red state of Alabama." --Mary Beth, hearing the national anthem on the plane the instant we landed in AL

Shh...I Don't Think She Knows Yet

Me: I think Sophia's ADD.
Adam: I think she's a housecat.

Some Horn-Rimmed Glasses Should Do It

"If you can't be gorgeous, the second best is edgy." ~Alice

Unless You're Tommy Lee

"If you can't stay sober for a 24-hour period, you're going to have academic difficulty." ~Ashley

And He Cuts the Grass Too

"You live with a live concert." ~Ashley

Family Trees 101

"Your father is your mother's husband." ~Amanda

You Say Potato

"The Sane River? Is that the same as the Seine?" ~GaGa

Damn Glass Ceiling

"I have boobs. Therefore I cannot chop a ham." ~Ashley

Forget the Food Pyramid

"All your body wants is prune juice." ~Nelson

Just Admit It, You Jammed

"I wouldn't say I 'jammed' with the guitarist from Dead Cell Factor. But I was there; he was there; licks were traded." ~Floyd

He Got an A in Deductive Logic

"It's going to be me or him. And if the other guy has a gun, it's probably going to be me." ~Eric

Oh, That's How It Works

"It's Valentine's Day. You have to love me." ~Natalie

Our Sweet, White Amanda

"Wipe that honky-ass smile off your face and get us the hell out of here." ~Amanda

Metaphors Are More Effective When Mixed

"I would have sprung a leap." ~Natalie

They Don't Teach Personal Finance at Doper School

"Dopers all got hot tubs. They don't have any sense, you see, but they all got hot tubs." ~The Mickster

Hippie-Watching at the DBT show

"I can tell by her boyfriend's shorts she's not a real hippie." ~Eric

Change Your Hair, Change Your Life

"Given the right haircut, I could rock." ~Mark

The Numbers...They Don't Add Up

Me: Dinner's ready.
Eric, half asleep: How can it be ready if I haven't even fixed it yet?