It Just Rolls Off His Tongue

Scott: I have to credit Andy for injecting the word urate into the conversation.
Susan: Doesn't everybody?

Stuff You Can Do While Looking Up, I Presume

"My animal's going to be a catfish, and he's always going to be looking up, so all you see is mouth and whiskers. But he's not going to be just sitting there. He's going to be doing stuff." ~Eric

I'm My Husband's Beard

"It's not completely gay because I'm married." ~Eric

Real Dogs Don't Wear Slickers

"Bishop wouldn't wear his raincoat. He knew it made him look gay." ~Alice

She's From Mississippi; She Had It Coming

Anna: When my grandfather was doing our family tree...

Bill: He couldn't get the tree to fork?

No One Ever Teaches You How To Dress Like a 33-Year-Old

"I'm trying to figure out how to save my sanity in this outfit." ~Eric

What We Didn't Do in Austin

Eric: See? there's people walking all around the capitol.

Me: Do you want to do that?

Eric: No! I hate the Texas government.

A Bug Lover's Life

"I was feeling faint because I was thinking about that movie, Aliens. But I'm an entomologist. I couldn't just leave it there." ~Mark Moffett

Catwoman: Maybe Not So Crazy After All

Eric, looking at a picture of a cheetah: That is just the most beautiful animal. I can see why that plastic surgery lady wanted to look like that.

He Doesn't Take Kindly to Health Food

Eric: Aren't beans technically not a vegetable?

Me: They're a legume.

Eric: Watch your mouth.

I Think I'm Being Mocked

Me: Stop, they know you're mocking them.

Eric: They shove their tongues up their own noses. They don't know what mocking is.

(a little bit later)

Eric: Does that goat know I'm mocking him too? He's old enough to know."

Kids: Stifling Sopranos Everywhere

"I didn't get to sing in the choir very much when we were in Kansas City because I was having babies and couldn't go much. In Greenville, I couldn't sing in the choir because I had to sit with the children that I'd had." ~my grandmother 

The Effects of Too Much Super Mario Brothers

"Why is it that when I'm carrying on a conversation in my head, it's always with an Italian guy's voice?" ~Eric

Critics Are Raving

"Well, al.com actually has some interesting stories. They've got Kendra, these dressed-up bears..." ~Eric

"I don't read the comments on al.com to be enlightened. I want flame wars." ~Eric

Why Winn-Dixie Moved The Beer

"People don't cook out anymore. They get drunk. Don't underestimate the importance of that statement." ~Eric

Emotional Drinker

"Where do you find the wine list that suggests the type of wine to go with anger and frustration rather than fish or chicken?" ~Valerie

Gotta Think About the Band...You Know, the One That Only Plays Once a Year

(completely out of the blue, except that we had just parked by an old pickup)
Eric: If you ever said, "Let's move to Montana and buy an old pickup truck," I'd have to say, "Hmm. Maybe." I mean, it would be the end of Jake Brake...

What I Have To Live With

(out to eat, "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" playing in background)
Me: How are the chicken fingers?
Eric: Can you ask me that after this song is over?

Either Way, I Have Good Hair

Me: I AM Tina Fey!
Eric: You are Liz Lemon.

Sigourney's Secret

"Offer me ears and a tail, and I'll follow you anywhere." ~Sigourney Weaver, The Daily Show, 12/14/09

Tommy Lee Goes To College

Tommy Lee's tutor: Do you have any goals?
Tommy Lee (playing video game): I don't know how to set this thing to two-player, but I'm going to figure it out.

Always With the Encouragement

"Just remember, when we start to raise our kids, what kind of cat you raised." ~Eric

Neighborly Love

Adam: I've never actually seen his wife leave the house.
Eric: Probably because she's inanimate and made of latex.

Lifestyles of the Neat and Clean

Teacher: We don't have buses at this school.
Student 1: Yes we do. Every morning I see one come through my neighborhood.
Student 2: That's for the maids.
Student 3: And the housekeepers.

It's OK, We're All BFF After 3 Drinks

Girl I just met: He had her picture sitting by the bed, and I could see it while we were having sex. I don't think he's over her. What do you think?
Girl's friend: She thinks it's too much information.