I'm Saving My Soul for the Big Money

"I don't mind. I'll put my heart and s--I'll put my heart into it." ~Alice

Kosher Coke: Not God's #1 Priority

"When you're talking about kosher, does it really matter if you're talking about a drug or a drink? Not technically, in God's eyes." ~Mark

The Definition of Rock 'n' Roll

"It just makes you want to grab a sledgehammer and do some blue-collar work when you hear it." ~Eric (on "Born to Run")

Eric Talks Smack

"Who are you? You're Kentucky. You're blue and white. And one of those isn't even a color." ~Eric

Why God Invented Heelys

Boy at store: I'm tired. I want to go home.
Mom: If you're so tired, when we get home, you can go straight to bed.
Boy: I don't want to go to bed. It's just that my legs can't walk anymore.

Trash No One Treasures

(overheard at estate sale)

Old lady 1: Demitasse cups. Who wants those?
Old lady 2: Someone might. You could give them as gifts.
Old lady 1: OK, I'll give them to you.
Old lady 2: You better not.

I Forgot, We *Don't* Throw Oranges At Each Other

"That's why we don't have food fights. It may be fun, but it's not worth the clean-up." ~Eric

Two Hearts, One Beating

"That's the ultimate in safe--when you're in love with a dead man." ~Beth

A Double-Edged Gift

"Hey Dad, for Christmas, I got you manual labor at my house. What, you don't want my gift?" ~Eric

30 Going On Pirate

"I don't want you to get scurvy." ~J. B., after throwing orange slice at Andrew

Those Penny-Pinching Manilans

Eric: What's Manila?
Me: There's a place called Manila.
Eric: I know, but were they the first place to make folders?
Me: I don't know.
Eric: Were they a place that said, "Uh, we're too poor. Don't put pockets on that thing"?

No Threat Left Behind

"I remember last time I made a death threat and I made a grammar mistake, I went back and corrected it. I do that with all my death threats." ~Eric

He's Not Good With Names

Eric: "What was Danny's last name in Ocean's 11, 12, and 13?

There's Medication for That

"I'm just really upset because I wouldn't know how to thank a porpoise." ~Kyle

It's OK, They're In Massachusetts

"But the car is leading." --Eric, watching short film with a man tango-dancing with a Buick

Dude, Where's Your Satellite?

"It's probably cold somewhere in outer space, and that's where my satellite is parked." ~Adam

Eric Does Color Commentary for Junior Brown

"What the hell is going on?"
"WTF was that?"
"I think he's hit his stride."
"OK, he lost me."
"It's not even in the same key."
"Is that In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida?"
"I don't think Junior can handle Birmingham weed."

We Heart Kato-Kailyn

"She doesn't say much, but when she does, it's rife with sarcasm." ~Deon

An 11-Year-Old with a .50-Caliber Revolver Spells It Any Way He Wants

"They misspelled Lynyrd Skynyrd on their Web site. Of all the people, I would think the person who killed a 1,000-lb. pig would know how to spell Lynyrd Skynyrd." ~Eric

The First Step Is Admitting You're From Alabaster

"That's the bumper sticker I've always wanted to get--Goat Ropers Need Love Too." ~Geoff

Scrushy's Second Coming

"He's back. Mr. Charisma. But this time he brings the power of the Lord." --Geoff

And Apparently, No Shame

"This is Natalie. I had the lasagna." ~Natalie

She Should Have Been an Accountant

Me: I thought you said you only carry 1 credit card.
GaGa: Well that's the way things are. Nobody ever tells everything completely, the whole thing, the way it always is.

Isn't It Ironic?

John Denver: I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again.
Eric: What you did was leave on an ultralight and didn't come back at all.

Boot-Cut Friday Is So Five Minutes Ago

"It's Tight-Pants Monday. That's the new trend." ~Amanda S.