Calendars Everybody Wants

"Ham? Ham? There's no meat category?" ~Eric, browsing calendars on Calendars.com

ACDC, ACDC, ACDC, Nightswimming, ACDC

"Juke box play is like Texas Hold 'Em. It's a whole different ball game when there's money on the table." ~B. Dyer

Is That Your Final Diagnosis?

"He's kinda retarded...He's pretty much retarded...He's totally retarded." ~Mark

Another Great Way to Get a Date

"Sometimes I introduce myself as, 'Hi. I'm Eric. I know someone with a Blue Oyster Cult tattoo." ~Eric

But "Buffy the Vegetarian Slayer" Just Doesn't Have the Same Ring to It

Eric: Christine's a vampire.
Me: What?
Eric: She's a vegetarian. If you don't eat red meat, you're sucking blood from something.

Ask a Johnson a Question, You Get a Johnson Answer

Leigh: Adam, that's big chunky salsa. What is that?
Adam: Big chunky salsa.

The More You Know, There Must Be Something Wrong With You

"He must be autistic. He knows all the state flowers. There's no other reason to know that." ~Eric

I Think the Total Number is 31 Now

"I have more balls than y'all think I do." ~Natalie

The Fewer Brain Cells, The Better

"Two decent Long Island iced teas would definitely help me do circuit conversions." ~Eric

The Best Pick-Up Line Ever

"You look like someone who just doesn't get shaken enough." ~Eric

Bicker? Us? Never.

Me (reading): ENTPs love excitement and challenge. They are talkative, clever, and good at many things.
Eric: Why are you still reading about ENTPs? We just established that I'm an INTP.
Me: I think this one sounds more like you.
Eric: What type are you? Stubborn-TP?

Overheard at Oak Hill Bar & Grill

Bartender to girl ordering drink: So are you going to keep your shirt on like the rest of our clientele?
_____

Girl in bustier:
It killed me so much, everyone thought I was a lesbian.
_____

Girl in bustier: Everything I knew went out the window.

Dear Monster.com...

"I want to design big machines that make snack cakes." ~Eric

You Know You're a Grandpa When...

Geoff: That's my favorite Talking Heads song.
Adam: I don't think you're supposed to have a favorite Talking Heads song.

It's Game Day...and the Insults Are Flying

"That's that same spin move we saw last week. Didn't need it then. Didn't look like he needed it now either." ~CBS commentator Verne Lundquist

"He's very adept at running with the ball. Not quite as adept at holding on to it." ~Verne Lundquist

Or in Floyd's Words, "Remarkably Horrible"

"It was the worst of Barry White and James Taylor all rolled into one skinny white guy." ~Eric, re: the opening band for Wilco

Beating--Check; Furniture--Check

Eric: That guy in Atlanta is trying to get 20% gratuity added onto every check.
Me: Yeah, I think that's wrong.
Eric: I'll drive to Atlanta and beat his ass.
Me: I'll do it too.
Eric: We can do it one weekend and go to Ikea.

Especially When the Eulogy Includes a Folk Song

"I feel like funerals are just funny." ~Sarah

The Cold Hard Truth

Sue: I don't think we have that many attractive people in our family.
Dad: I take offense to that. My agent says I'm very attractive.
Sue: You're paying him to say that.

The Picture in My Head is the Funniest Part

"If God wanted sausages made out of vegetables, he would have made pigs out of vegetables." ~Eric

Take Me Down to the Paradox City

"If someone is laughing and they say 'I hate you' what are you supposed to believe?" ~Lindsey

"A voice from behind me says 'I'm not behind you.' What am I supposed to believe? ~Lindsey

A Yankee in Cracker Barrel's Dining Room

"I like the antique thing, but it can get kind of old." ~Fran

Word Problems Are for Girls

Mason, age 10: Can you have an uncle that's the same age as you?
Brittany (Mason's mom): Well, if something happened to me someday and your dad got remarried and they had a son, that would be your brother. And then if you had a son around the same time, your little brother would be your son's uncle, even though they're the same age.
Mason: I don't get chick math.

InLawsStormOrphansJakeBrake-oustic

Eric: Well, we haven't played in awhile, and I usually can remember the words better when it's been a long time since we played.
Tanner: God you're such an artist, Eric.
_____

Me: I didn't even feel like drinking tonight.
Eric: Me neither. The only reason I did is because I don't trust the water at the Nick.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

"I find myself wanting more and more to ride the troll train again." ~Eric