A Good Host Blames It on the Guests

"If we run out of food, we'll just say, 'Good God, y'all eat a lot." -Eric

Pot Kettle Black

Eric: She called YOU a redneck?
Dawn: Yeah. In her jorts.

I'm Concerned...About Your Manners

Brendhan: Did you get hit in the head with a football?
Jackson: No.
Brendhan: No SIR.

Beans

"Beans beans, good for your heart. The more you eat 'em, the more you poot. Beans beans, they're delicious. They're really good. It doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to taste good." -Eric

It's Downhill (Literally) After Kids

"There's only one thing we used to do that we don't do anymore. We don't make our own hashbrowns. We go down to Waffle House." ~Brendhan

It's Football Season Yeah!

Me: I'd move to Auburn. 
Eric: I know you would. Everybody would. We all want to move to Auburn.
(I start writing.)
Eric: It's not worth writing down. It's common knowledge.

Looks First, Then Ability. But Really Just Looks

"It's a shame when they pick cheerleaders just because they are good at it." Eric

1 Out of 1500 Ain't--Well, That's Pretty Bad

"That's the first time I've ever hit someone doing that. I've spent $12 to $15 in pennies flicking them at people." ~Eric

Trash Talk at The Pig

Cashier: $32.12
Bagger: Why not $12.32?
Cashier: Why not go back to Dunkin Donuts to work?

Life Lessons

"If I've learned one thing...Never race someone that doesn't have a license plate." ~Eric

"When I see people doing carbombs, yes I feel older because the thought of doing those makes me cringe, but I feel smarter because I now know that St. Patrick's Day is for amateurs, rookies, and people about to be stopped at roadblocks." --Chris

"People will break into your house if they think you have In-Laws memorabilia." ~Mark

"Music should not be about football. That's one of the biggest problems with our state." ~Shawn

Big Day

Eric: All that happened today?
Amanda: The heart attack and the liquor store and the not-gonna-make-it? Yeah, that was all today.

The Problem with Jam Bands

Sharon: Are they still on the same song?
Eric: At some point, I need to clap.

Adventures at Egan's

"I've been working on my closed-quarters kicks." ~ Eric


"Can we get a couple of beers to the bathroom concourse?" ~Tommy

"I actually grew up in Fort Morgan. You know, the fort?" ~Sweet Dog

Why Cam Shouldn't Wing It

"Had he thought about it before, he wouldn't have talked about his mother's womb on national television." ~Eric

Happy New Year, Baby

"Baby, it's 2011. We're not worried about money anymore." ~Eric

Drunken Goat Cheese

Eric: That's what I want to be reincarnated as.

Kailyn and Kate: Cheese?

Eric: No, a drunk goat.

Great Expectations

"I spend 79 cents on a pen, I want it to draw for 10 miles." ~Eric

Old Man Ozzy

"What's wrong with Ozzy? He's awesome. He's like an old man, but he's emo." ~10-year-old kid at Mudtown

The Elian Gonzalez Museum

"Had to be aliens. No earthly event would make a closet worth looking at." ~Mickey

Grow Up, Already

Me: "What are you, still in your early twenties?" It just sounds like such an insult.
Eric: It's not an insult. It's a concern.

Evil Monkey

"The last straw was when the monkey bit my sister." —my grandmother

Entrepreneur Goes Rogue

"I've figured out why all my previous money-making ideas haven't panned out. I've been trying to work within the limits of the law." ~Eric