Tommy Lee Goes To College

Tommy Lee's tutor: Do you have any goals?
Tommy Lee (playing video game): I don't know how to set this thing to two-player, but I'm going to figure it out.

Always With the Encouragement

"Just remember, when we start to raise our kids, what kind of cat you raised." ~Eric

Neighborly Love

Adam: I've never actually seen his wife leave the house.
Eric: Probably because she's inanimate and made of latex.

Lifestyles of the Neat and Clean

Teacher: We don't have buses at this school.
Student 1: Yes we do. Every morning I see one come through my neighborhood.
Student 2: That's for the maids.
Student 3: And the housekeepers.

It's OK, We're All BFF After 3 Drinks

Girl I just met: He had her picture sitting by the bed, and I could see it while we were having sex. I don't think he's over her. What do you think?
Girl's friend: She thinks it's too much information.

Biodiversity Training

"I'm a bird racist. I really need to go home and think about this." ~Alice

Nature or Nomenclature?

Anna: If a cat could be gay or bulimic, that would be her.
Erin: It probably doesn't help that you call her Sugar.

The Accidental Arsonist

"Certainly one of the most intriguing interviews was with President Pompidou of France just before he traveled to the U.S. for the first time. He smoked incessantly, with the cigarette wiggling around in his mouth as he talked, and finally hot ash dropped on his desk. It set some papers on fire, smoke was wafting up, and all I could think was, Mon Dieu, I am going to be blamed for the destruction of the Elysée Palace." ~Dick Stolley

Game Night Stealth Tactics

"You see how the girls cheat. A lot of it's by guilt." ~Bill

A Lethal Combination

"I used to be in an outlaw country band, but egos got in the way. 'Course, the real problem was, it was just a bunch of alcoholics and drug addicts." ~Mark

Anyone Else Hear Lambs Screaming?

"Mr. Scherer put his favorite anatomical torso, which dates to about 1940, on a wood pedestal he thinks probably came from a church, in front of a vintage mirror in the great room of his Catskill farmhouse."

~from http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/10/07/garden/20091008-catskills-slideshow_6.html

Double the Unnecessary Adjectives

Me: They've already used the word unctuous twice in the same issue. That's a word you use like once every 10 years.
Eric: It's a double issue, honey.