Either Way, I Have Good Hair

Me: I AM Tina Fey!
Eric: You are Liz Lemon.

Sigourney's Secret

"Offer me ears and a tail, and I'll follow you anywhere." ~Sigourney Weaver, The Daily Show, 12/14/09

Tommy Lee Goes To College

Tommy Lee's tutor: Do you have any goals?
Tommy Lee (playing video game): I don't know how to set this thing to two-player, but I'm going to figure it out.

Always With the Encouragement

"Just remember, when we start to raise our kids, what kind of cat you raised." ~Eric

Neighborly Love

Adam: I've never actually seen his wife leave the house.
Eric: Probably because she's inanimate and made of latex.

Lifestyles of the Neat and Clean

Teacher: We don't have buses at this school.
Student 1: Yes we do. Every morning I see one come through my neighborhood.
Student 2: That's for the maids.
Student 3: And the housekeepers.

It's OK, We're All BFF After 3 Drinks

Girl I just met: He had her picture sitting by the bed, and I could see it while we were having sex. I don't think he's over her. What do you think?
Girl's friend: She thinks it's too much information.

Biodiversity Training

"I'm a bird racist. I really need to go home and think about this." ~Alice

Nature or Nomenclature?

Anna: If a cat could be gay or bulimic, that would be her.
Erin: It probably doesn't help that you call her Sugar.

The Accidental Arsonist

"Certainly one of the most intriguing interviews was with President Pompidou of France just before he traveled to the U.S. for the first time. He smoked incessantly, with the cigarette wiggling around in his mouth as he talked, and finally hot ash dropped on his desk. It set some papers on fire, smoke was wafting up, and all I could think was, Mon Dieu, I am going to be blamed for the destruction of the Elysée Palace." ~Dick Stolley

Game Night Stealth Tactics

"You see how the girls cheat. A lot of it's by guilt." ~Bill

A Lethal Combination

"I used to be in an outlaw country band, but egos got in the way. 'Course, the real problem was, it was just a bunch of alcoholics and drug addicts." ~Mark

Anyone Else Hear Lambs Screaming?

"Mr. Scherer put his favorite anatomical torso, which dates to about 1940, on a wood pedestal he thinks probably came from a church, in front of a vintage mirror in the great room of his Catskill farmhouse."

~from http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/10/07/garden/20091008-catskills-slideshow_6.html

Double the Unnecessary Adjectives

Me: They've already used the word unctuous twice in the same issue. That's a word you use like once every 10 years.
Eric: It's a double issue, honey.

Once a Smart-Ass, Always a Smart-Ass

Amy: You know you're wearing Alabama colors.
Amanda: Well, let's just pretend that I'm...not.
______

Kay: Do you know what that is?
Amanda: A vision board?
Kay: Do you know what it's for?
Amanda: Vision?

All a Rock Star Needs

"I've got a six-string upstairs, a 12-string downstairs, and I have thoughts." --Q

Get Your Air Drums Right

"That's on the hi-hat, not the cymbal." ~Eric

You Know You Need To Vacuum When...

"How did cat hair get up there?" ~Cole, 8

Why I Won't Let Him Go To Asia

Caption on Sunrise Earth about Chinese fisherman: The traditional palm frond shield repels water and protects from the hot sun.
Eric: Yeah, well it's still unnecessarily shaped. But the skirt too? That's gotta be some gay ceremonial garb or something.

The Man Does Not Snack. And I'm the Weird One?

Me: Wouldn't it be cool if humans had pouches like kangaroos?
Eric: You'd just keep snack food in yours.
_____

Eric: Lord have mercy on your after-hours colon.

And Let's Hope You Didn't Procreate First

"People think 'I don't think it will happen to me. I've driven tired plenty of times and not had an accident.' The difficulty with that particular argument is that you usually only have one fatigue-related accident and then you are removed from the gene pool." --straightfaced British guy on sleep deprivation documentary

(Game Night Craziness!)

"The real bitch of it was everyone thought I was a calculator. I have an antenna!" ~Erin

"Just because I have a pool doesn't mean it's a sex pool." ~Anna

"You're not having a good time without Kohler. K-O-H-L-E-R." ~Anna

Adventures in Puerto Rico

"We bit off more than we could chew. But we washed it down with some rum punch." ~Eric

"Alabama? Really? You don't sound hick." ~waitress at roadside restaurant

Imagination Is More Important Than Knowledge

"Life would be so much easier for you if you lived in reality. Your life is a constant episode of Scrubs." ~Eric

Quotable Unclutterer Commenter (Say It Fast)

"Vegetable juice? Yuck. I just uncluttered my stomach thinking about it." ~Michael, on Unclutterer.com

King of the Road

Eric B: Mark, you're all over the road.
Mark: It's my road.

A Laser Pointer Isn't One of Them

"I bring plenty of things to dinner that I don't play with at the table." ~Eric

You Have To Spell Things Out for Some People

"You cannot become Dennis Rodman." ~my mom, to Nelson

Freeze-Out at the Disco

"I love winter, but 12 degrees is for Panic at the Disco fans." ~Eric