The Complicated Thought Process of a Network Engineer

"I would think you're joking, except that I'm pretty sure you're serious." ~Eric

My Thoughts Exactly

"Why are some cats softer than others? Is it possible I have the softest cat in the world?" ~question sent in to Slate.com's Explainer

Gold, Frankincense, and Futuristic Technology

Me (listening to "Sleigh Ride"): Do you ever wonder what Christmas used to be like to make people want to write songs like this?
Eric: No. I guess I just assumed they'd always been there. Like when they opened the box that came with Jesus, there were a couple of CDs in there.

Excusable, If He Weren't Parked at Home Depot

"That's the parking job of a man whose wife is in labor and he has to get parked before the head pops out." ~Eric

Ironically, It's Probably the One Thing He Won't Get

"All I want for Christmas is some shame." ~Eric

Lots of Fun With Pictionary

"Fart is equal to smocking. I mean, come on." ~Betsy

Keeping Dion in the Dark: Priceless

"It doesn't have a pricetag on it. How do I know how much to love you now?" ~Dion

Mini-mosity

"To me, this is the fun size. Those little ones, those aren't fun." ~Holly, holding up the "real" fun size 3 Musketeers

I Love CBS Football

"If you're a connoisseur of turnovers, today is your day."~-Verne Lundquist

Our Superstore Is Superer Than Your Superstore

Adam: Their Wal-Mart isn't even an updated Wal-Mart.

Love? I Don't Know About That

Me: OK, I'll just sit here and be boring.
Eric: Finally, the Kate I know and love.

How Can Mashed Potatoes Ever Be Wrong?

Eric: What are you going to cook with that?
Me: Mashed potatoes?
Eric: You just went the wrong way on the delicious scale.

The Accidental Postmodernist

"I seem to have created a postmodern pagan death punk living space." ~Nelson

A Man's Take on Fear-Inducing Power Tools

"I'd take that two-cycle chainsaw and make it a four-cycle and add a catalytic converter." --Eric

I Need a Bed, He Needs an Audience

"I don't know what it is about four beers, but after four, I need a guitar." ~Eric

What You Talkin' About, Willis?

"You think with your face." ~Eric

Recession Hits High School Pranksters

Adam: They left a note on a teacher's car saying that they were going to blow it up.
Eric: What ever happened to eggs and toilet paper?
Adam: Those things are expensive these days.

All My Decorating Dilemmas Solved

Mickey: What you need to do is get some of those shelves you put whatnots on.
Me: I'm not a big fan of whatnots.
Mickey: Well, put something else there, then. I don't know, erotica?

Charm...Attack

Eric: What are you doing?
Me: Cooking ramen and playing with my paint.
Eric: I love that you're so honest with me...and you're kind of a Saturday Night Live skit.

My Morning Jacket's Latest Album

"It's like Prince and J. Mascis had a baby and gave it up for adoption and it was raised by Styx and Moby in 1983." ~Eric

Olympic Wisdom: Volleyball

Announcer: You know, I asked her the other day why she wears the black kinesiotape instead of blue, and she said, "It's like Tiger Woods when he plays on a Sunday. He wears red. I wear black. The power color."
Eric: I doubt it went quite like that.
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Me: He keeps saying May. Her name is May-Treanor now.
Eric: Her name is Meesty.

More Olympic Wisdom: Gymnastics

"If you had told Russia they would come away with no medals from these games, they would have said, 'You're wrong.'" ~Announcer
 _____

(Eric is fascinated that someone in West Des Moines made a sculpture of Shawn Johnson out of butter.)

"Shawn deserves a medal to hang on the butter." ~Eric

 "Go Nastia. Take it away from Shawn. That little brat has herself in butter."  ~Eric
_____________________

Eric: If she doesn't shed a tear, I'm going to declare her a robot.
Kate: I think I see one right there.
Eric: That's not a tear. That's where her cheeks have squeezed one out of her tear ducts from smiling so much.

Losing Never Sounded So Poetic—and Fun

"Monaco. Back to enjoy, back to party, back not necessarily to win a medal." ~Olympics announcer

Beijing 2008: Opening Ceremonies

Announcer: How many places can you go around the world where the culture is old enough that you could say, "Oh by the way, the Chinese invented paper and printing." That's actually true here.
Eric: I'd say you could probably go to any country in the world and say that the Chinese invented paper and printing and it would be true.
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Eric (after the people popped out of the boxes): I was afraid they were going to pop people out of those boxes.
________________________________
Announcer: Don't go away. Why would you?

Measureable Devotion

Me: I thought about coming to see you in April, but it's just so expensive.
Nelson: That's ok. I don't miss you that much.
Me: Oh, you don't?
Nelson: No, I only miss you about once a week.

Open Mouth, Insert Wrath of God

"It's hard to look cool when you're an albino burn victim with earplugs in...Oh my God I'm going to hell. Honey, I'm going to miss you." ~Eric

But XBox Live Friends, That's Another Story

"Facebook friends do not a social life make." ~Eric

Calling Him "Shun" Is Probably A Bad Idea

"Shawn's still not sure he wants to ruin his rock persona by singing some country songs." ~Eric

Suddenly, As In Constantly for the Past Year and a Half

Me: How does it always happen that I have nothing to wear? Suddenly I don't feel right in any of my clothes.
Eric: Suddenly I don't feel right about not having a big screen.

5 de Mayo—Vive La Tequila! Or Not

Waiter: And for you sir?
Eric: Coke.
Waiter: On the rocks? Oh...Coke.

Real Life Law & Order Asks the Important Questions

"If you're going to be locked in a closet, do you really want to be locked in a closet by somebody ugly? ~MLJ

I'm Saving My Soul for the Big Money

"I don't mind. I'll put my heart and s--I'll put my heart into it." ~Alice

Kosher Coke: Not God's #1 Priority

"When you're talking about kosher, does it really matter if you're talking about a drug or a drink? Not technically, in God's eyes." ~Mark

The Definition of Rock 'n' Roll

"It just makes you want to grab a sledgehammer and do some blue-collar work when you hear it." ~Eric (on "Born to Run")

Eric Talks Smack

"Who are you? You're Kentucky. You're blue and white. And one of those isn't even a color." ~Eric

Why God Invented Heelys

Boy at store: I'm tired. I want to go home.
Mom: If you're so tired, when we get home, you can go straight to bed.
Boy: I don't want to go to bed. It's just that my legs can't walk anymore.

Trash No One Treasures

(overheard at estate sale)

Old lady 1: Demitasse cups. Who wants those?
Old lady 2: Someone might. You could give them as gifts.
Old lady 1: OK, I'll give them to you.
Old lady 2: You better not.

I Forgot, We *Don't* Throw Oranges At Each Other

"That's why we don't have food fights. It may be fun, but it's not worth the clean-up." ~Eric