Two Hearts, One Beating

"That's the ultimate in safe--when you're in love with a dead man." ~Beth

A Double-Edged Gift

"Hey Dad, for Christmas, I got you manual labor at my house. What, you don't want my gift?" ~Eric

30 Going On Pirate

"I don't want you to get scurvy." ~J. B., after throwing orange slice at Andrew

Those Penny-Pinching Manilans

Eric: What's Manila?
Me: There's a place called Manila.
Eric: I know, but were they the first place to make folders?
Me: I don't know.
Eric: Were they a place that said, "Uh, we're too poor. Don't put pockets on that thing"?

No Threat Left Behind

"I remember last time I made a death threat and I made a grammar mistake, I went back and corrected it. I do that with all my death threats." ~Eric

He's Not Good With Names

Eric: "What was Danny's last name in Ocean's 11, 12, and 13?

There's Medication for That

"I'm just really upset because I wouldn't know how to thank a porpoise." ~Kyle

It's OK, They're In Massachusetts

"But the car is leading." --Eric, watching short film with a man tango-dancing with a Buick

Dude, Where's Your Satellite?

"It's probably cold somewhere in outer space, and that's where my satellite is parked." ~Adam

Eric Does Color Commentary for Junior Brown

"What the hell is going on?"
"WTF was that?"
"I think he's hit his stride."
"OK, he lost me."
"It's not even in the same key."
"Is that In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida?"
"I don't think Junior can handle Birmingham weed."

We Heart Kato-Kailyn

"She doesn't say much, but when she does, it's rife with sarcasm." ~Deon

An 11-Year-Old with a .50-Caliber Revolver Spells It Any Way He Wants

"They misspelled Lynyrd Skynyrd on their Web site. Of all the people, I would think the person who killed a 1,000-lb. pig would know how to spell Lynyrd Skynyrd." ~Eric

The First Step Is Admitting You're From Alabaster

"That's the bumper sticker I've always wanted to get--Goat Ropers Need Love Too." ~Geoff

Scrushy's Second Coming

"He's back. Mr. Charisma. But this time he brings the power of the Lord." --Geoff

And Apparently, No Shame

"This is Natalie. I had the lasagna." ~Natalie

She Should Have Been an Accountant

Me: I thought you said you only carry 1 credit card.
GaGa: Well that's the way things are. Nobody ever tells everything completely, the whole thing, the way it always is.

Isn't It Ironic?

John Denver: I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again.
Eric: What you did was leave on an ultralight and didn't come back at all.

Boot-Cut Friday Is So Five Minutes Ago

"It's Tight-Pants Monday. That's the new trend." ~Amanda S.

A Veiled Insult, Without the Veil

"People in the publishing industry are weird. And you are one of those people." ~Eric

So Much for Romantic Walks on the Beach

Me: We'll be walking when we're at the beach; we just won't be able to tell how far we walk.
(puzzled look from Eric)
Me: I'll be walking.
Eric: Yeah. Thanks for clearing that up.

So Misunderstood

Eric: "Where do you think this theater ranks in terms of..."
Floyd: Nazi architecture? 

Phone My Family, Tell 'Em I'm Lost on the Sidewalk

"They call me Ansel Adams." ~Eric

Turning Prayers To Outrageous Dares

"Conrad's doing the Psalms on Wednesday night. Solid, solid." ~Floyd 

He Must Be High

"It's...chickentastic." ~Floyd

CSI: Broadway

"I was going to write a musical: Autopsy." ~Geoff

Calendars Everybody Wants

"Ham? Ham? There's no meat category?" ~Eric, browsing calendars on Calendars.com

ACDC, ACDC, ACDC, Nightswimming, ACDC

"Juke box play is like Texas Hold 'Em. It's a whole different ball game when there's money on the table." ~B. Dyer

Is That Your Final Diagnosis?

"He's kinda retarded...He's pretty much retarded...He's totally retarded." ~Mark

Another Great Way to Get a Date

"Sometimes I introduce myself as, 'Hi. I'm Eric. I know someone with a Blue Oyster Cult tattoo." ~Eric