Beating--Check; Furniture--Check

Eric: That guy in Atlanta is trying to get 20% gratuity added onto every check.
Me: Yeah, I think that's wrong.
Eric: I'll drive to Atlanta and beat his ass.
Me: I'll do it too.
Eric: We can do it one weekend and go to Ikea.

Especially When the Eulogy Includes a Folk Song

"I feel like funerals are just funny." ~Sarah

The Cold Hard Truth

Sue: I don't think we have that many attractive people in our family.
Dad: I take offense to that. My agent says I'm very attractive.
Sue: You're paying him to say that.

The Picture in My Head is the Funniest Part

"If God wanted sausages made out of vegetables, he would have made pigs out of vegetables." ~Eric

Take Me Down to the Paradox City

"If someone is laughing and they say 'I hate you' what are you supposed to believe?" ~Lindsey

"A voice from behind me says 'I'm not behind you.' What am I supposed to believe? ~Lindsey

A Yankee in Cracker Barrel's Dining Room

"I like the antique thing, but it can get kind of old." ~Fran