Not on the Same Page

Sommer: If you went in my bathroom, it looks like a dog..."
Laura: Was murdered in there?
Sommer: No...got a haircut in there.

Bro Code

He texted and said, "You around?" which is code for "Meet me at the Tilted Kilt and give me some Adderall." —Jason

What Lies Beneath

“Wherever there’s a body of water, someone’s going to put a body in it.” —Blake

The Future

Blake: They're going to have dogs.
Me: They're going to have robots.
Blake: They're going to have tiny little robotic dogs, because they're perfect and they don't fuck up.

Election 2016

"Here's the deal: What is wrong with everybody?" --Mike

Vegas, Baby

"When you're in Vegas, you dress up. That's the whole thing." --Blake

Second Marriage Wish List

“Maybe you'll find someone just like me, but who likes camping.” —Eric

The Answer Is 42

“I've had a big dog before. It's not the answer.” —Blake

Planet Earth: Rainforest vs. Arctic

“Your stick's dirty? I'm sorry—I'm keeping my baby alive with my fat rolls.” —Sarah

Tales from Mount Laurel

“He's the only guy I know to ride a horse to Area 41. Then his wife's implants were inflamed and he had to go home and care for her.” —Bailey

Get in Your Place, Bass

“It's not all about the bass. It's about rock and roll. But bass is good.” —Blake

On a Pedestal

Me: I used to play with those when I was a baby.
Blake: All the best things in life, you probably used to play with.

Blake on The Walking Dead

It's what could really happen, zombie-wise.

No, Please, Keep Talking

Loud drunk girl: The Grammys are made out of their own special element called Grammium and they had to make a place for it on the elemental table.
Bartender: Shhhh

Moving Day

Me: This bed has been moved so many times.

Eric: You'd think it would know how to get ready on its own. 

Eric on the GoPro

A GoPro is something you wear on your helmet so you have your bike wreck for YouTube.

iAnxiety

Where is the Cloud? Who's got our stuff? Nobody works at the Cloud. --Laura

The Game of Life

They were getting married and divorced, and I was like, where are your morals? —Laura

You Can Take the Girl Out of Butler...

Your thang just danged. —Sommer

Charter Bus Challenges

Everyone knows you can't put your wife in the bay. —Mark

Entitled Buttmunchers

We spent $400 on ribs that night. We said fuck it, we'll sleep in the truck. —Snable

It's a Logistics Problem

I have two kids. I don't hang out at the Plaza at 3 a.m. That's why I don't see B. Dyer anymore. —Snable

Schizotarian

The voices in my head eat meat. —Laura

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

"She was like, I bet you can be lots of fun, and I was like, yeah I'm tons of fun." —Eric

Movie Trivia, Mike Todd Edition

"What's that one about the dolphin that keeps coming up?" —Mike