Cheap Hotels

"Did you know hotels are not cheap anymore? They're like $80." —Amy

Not in the Ear!

Me: I was just yesterday told not to put anything in my ear.
Stephen: There goes the love life.

Crawfish Cult

"It's good to be back in the South. Are y'all liquored up? Liquored up on Jesus." ~Ian Astbury

State of Unconsciousness

"Technically, you cannot give consent if you're not conscious. I mean, according to the law." ~Laurel

I've Been to Tropical

Mickey: I've been to tropical.
Adam: No, you haven't.
Mickey: I've been to Panama City.
Adam: Where do you want to go, then, Nebraska?
Mickey: Yeah, the telephone museum is there.
Adam: You hate the telephone.
Mickey: Yeah, I wish they were all in museums.

Car Problems

"I broke my whole undercarriage, and that's not a euthanism." -Megan

House Hunting

Me: If you find a walking house...
Eric: You don't hesitate. You buy that shit.

Living With You, for One

Me: I don't want to live on a hill like that. That would get old, I'm telling you.
Eric: You say that about a lot of things. What wouldn't get old, besides being in a traveling carnival?

They're More Concerned About the Cheap Shirt

"And then my shirt breaks and my boob falls out, and I'm like, 'Oh, yeah, we're in a gay club. I don't care.'" -Megan

God Doesn't Understand Highway 280

Eric: They didn't have traffic lights when God was around...I guess God was never really "around."
Me: God was always around.
Eric: Yeah, but not in traffic.

A Good Host Blames It on the Guests

"If we run out of food, we'll just say, 'Good God, y'all eat a lot." -Eric

Pot Kettle Black

Eric: She called YOU a redneck?
Dawn: Yeah. In her jorts.

I'm Concerned...About Your Manners

Brendhan: Did you get hit in the head with a football?
Jackson: No.
Brendhan: No SIR.

Beans

"Beans beans, good for your heart. The more you eat 'em, the more you poot. Beans beans, they're delicious. They're really good. It doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to taste good." -Eric

It's Downhill (Literally) After Kids

"There's only one thing we used to do that we don't do anymore. We don't make our own hashbrowns. We go down to Waffle House." ~Brendhan

It's Football Season Yeah!

Me: I'd move to Auburn. 
Eric: I know you would. Everybody would. We all want to move to Auburn.
(I start writing.)
Eric: It's not worth writing down. It's common knowledge.

Looks First, Then Ability. But Really Just Looks

"It's a shame when they pick cheerleaders just because they are good at it." Eric

1 Out of 1500 Ain't--Well, That's Pretty Bad

"That's the first time I've ever hit someone doing that. I've spent $12 to $15 in pennies flicking them at people." ~Eric

Trash Talk at The Pig

Cashier: $32.12
Bagger: Why not $12.32?
Cashier: Why not go back to Dunkin Donuts to work?

Life Lessons

"If I've learned one thing...Never race someone that doesn't have a license plate." ~Eric

"When I see people doing carbombs, yes I feel older because the thought of doing those makes me cringe, but I feel smarter because I now know that St. Patrick's Day is for amateurs, rookies, and people about to be stopped at roadblocks." --Chris

"People will break into your house if they think you have In-Laws memorabilia." ~Mark

"Music should not be about football. That's one of the biggest problems with our state." ~Shawn

Big Day

Eric: All that happened today?
Amanda: The heart attack and the liquor store and the not-gonna-make-it? Yeah, that was all today.

The Problem with Jam Bands

Sharon: Are they still on the same song?
Eric: At some point, I need to clap.