Life Lessons

"If I've learned one thing...Never race someone that doesn't have a license plate." ~Eric

"When I see people doing carbombs, yes I feel older because the thought of doing those makes me cringe, but I feel smarter because I now know that St. Patrick's Day is for amateurs, rookies, and people about to be stopped at roadblocks." --Chris

"People will break into your house if they think you have In-Laws memorabilia." ~Mark

"Music should not be about football. That's one of the biggest problems with our state." ~Shawn

Big Day

Eric: All that happened today?
Amanda: The heart attack and the liquor store and the not-gonna-make-it? Yeah, that was all today.

The Problem with Jam Bands

Sharon: Are they still on the same song?
Eric: At some point, I need to clap.

Adventures at Egan's

"I've been working on my closed-quarters kicks." ~ Eric


"Can we get a couple of beers to the bathroom concourse?" ~Tommy

"I actually grew up in Fort Morgan. You know, the fort?" ~Sweet Dog

Why Cam Shouldn't Wing It

"Had he thought about it before, he wouldn't have talked about his mother's womb on national television." ~Eric

Happy New Year, Baby

"Baby, it's 2011. We're not worried about money anymore." ~Eric

Drunken Goat Cheese

Eric: That's what I want to be reincarnated as.

Kailyn and Kate: Cheese?

Eric: No, a drunk goat.

Great Expectations

"I spend 79 cents on a pen, I want it to draw for 10 miles." ~Eric

Old Man Ozzy

"What's wrong with Ozzy? He's awesome. He's like an old man, but he's emo." ~10-year-old kid at Mudtown

The Elian Gonzalez Museum

"Had to be aliens. No earthly event would make a closet worth looking at." ~Mickey

Grow Up, Already

Me: "What are you, still in your early twenties?" It just sounds like such an insult.
Eric: It's not an insult. It's a concern.

Evil Monkey

"The last straw was when the monkey bit my sister." —my grandmother

Entrepreneur Goes Rogue

"I've figured out why all my previous money-making ideas haven't panned out. I've been trying to work within the limits of the law." ~Eric

Yet He Didn't Buy the Shoes

Me: You look like a cross between Jesus and a 40-year-old Sandestin-goer.

Eric: That sounds like a life worth living.

I Don't Take Him Seriously

Me: Why do you keep thinking about that quote? Because it's the funniest thing you've ever said?
Eric: You just think the things I say are funny. But in context, they're serious, maybe even profound.

It Just Rolls Off His Tongue

Scott: I have to credit Andy for injecting the word urate into the conversation.
Susan: Doesn't everybody?

Stuff You Can Do While Looking Up, I Presume

"My animal's going to be a catfish, and he's always going to be looking up, so all you see is mouth and whiskers. But he's not going to be just sitting there. He's going to be doing stuff." ~Eric

I'm My Husband's Beard

"It's not completely gay because I'm married." ~Eric

Real Dogs Don't Wear Slickers

"Bishop wouldn't wear his raincoat. He knew it made him look gay." ~Alice

She's From Mississippi; She Had It Coming

Anna: When my grandfather was doing our family tree...

Bill: He couldn't get the tree to fork?

No One Ever Teaches You How To Dress Like a 33-Year-Old

"I'm trying to figure out how to save my sanity in this outfit." ~Eric

What We Didn't Do in Austin

Eric: See? there's people walking all around the capitol.

Me: Do you want to do that?

Eric: No! I hate the Texas government.