She Should Have Been an Accountant

Me: I thought you said you only carry 1 credit card.
GaGa: Well that's the way things are. Nobody ever tells everything completely, the whole thing, the way it always is.

Isn't It Ironic?

John Denver: I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again.
Eric: What you did was leave on an ultralight and didn't come back at all.

Boot-Cut Friday Is So Five Minutes Ago

"It's Tight-Pants Monday. That's the new trend." ~Amanda S.

A Veiled Insult, Without the Veil

"People in the publishing industry are weird. And you are one of those people." ~Eric

So Much for Romantic Walks on the Beach

Me: We'll be walking when we're at the beach; we just won't be able to tell how far we walk.
(puzzled look from Eric)
Me: I'll be walking.
Eric: Yeah. Thanks for clearing that up.

So Misunderstood

Eric: "Where do you think this theater ranks in terms of..."
Floyd: Nazi architecture? 

Phone My Family, Tell 'Em I'm Lost on the Sidewalk

"They call me Ansel Adams." ~Eric

Turning Prayers To Outrageous Dares

"Conrad's doing the Psalms on Wednesday night. Solid, solid." ~Floyd 

He Must Be High

"It's...chickentastic." ~Floyd

CSI: Broadway

"I was going to write a musical: Autopsy." ~Geoff

Calendars Everybody Wants

"Ham? Ham? There's no meat category?" ~Eric, browsing calendars on Calendars.com

ACDC, ACDC, ACDC, Nightswimming, ACDC

"Juke box play is like Texas Hold 'Em. It's a whole different ball game when there's money on the table." ~B. Dyer

Is That Your Final Diagnosis?

"He's kinda retarded...He's pretty much retarded...He's totally retarded." ~Mark

Another Great Way to Get a Date

"Sometimes I introduce myself as, 'Hi. I'm Eric. I know someone with a Blue Oyster Cult tattoo." ~Eric

But "Buffy the Vegetarian Slayer" Just Doesn't Have the Same Ring to It

Eric: Christine's a vampire.
Me: What?
Eric: She's a vegetarian. If you don't eat red meat, you're sucking blood from something.

Ask a Johnson a Question, You Get a Johnson Answer

Leigh: Adam, that's big chunky salsa. What is that?
Adam: Big chunky salsa.

The More You Know, There Must Be Something Wrong With You

"He must be autistic. He knows all the state flowers. There's no other reason to know that." ~Eric

I Think the Total Number is 31 Now

"I have more balls than y'all think I do." ~Natalie

The Fewer Brain Cells, The Better

"Two decent Long Island iced teas would definitely help me do circuit conversions." ~Eric

The Best Pick-Up Line Ever

"You look like someone who just doesn't get shaken enough." ~Eric

Bicker? Us? Never.

Me (reading): ENTPs love excitement and challenge. They are talkative, clever, and good at many things.
Eric: Why are you still reading about ENTPs? We just established that I'm an INTP.
Me: I think this one sounds more like you.
Eric: What type are you? Stubborn-TP?

Overheard at Oak Hill Bar & Grill

Bartender to girl ordering drink: So are you going to keep your shirt on like the rest of our clientele?
_____

Girl in bustier:
It killed me so much, everyone thought I was a lesbian.
_____

Girl in bustier: Everything I knew went out the window.

Dear Monster.com...

"I want to design big machines that make snack cakes." ~Eric

You Know You're a Grandpa When...

Geoff: That's my favorite Talking Heads song.
Adam: I don't think you're supposed to have a favorite Talking Heads song.

It's Game Day...and the Insults Are Flying

"That's that same spin move we saw last week. Didn't need it then. Didn't look like he needed it now either." ~CBS commentator Verne Lundquist

"He's very adept at running with the ball. Not quite as adept at holding on to it." ~Verne Lundquist