DIY Pool Lighting

Challenge yourself to do this: Break up some glow sticks, bundle them up, and shove them in an egg. —probably Alicia

Don't Rain on the Piercing Parade, Mom

Sommer: Have you ever heard of bleeding to death?
Maggie: From my earlobe?
Sommer: Your head is very vascular.
Maggie: We don't need you.

One Sheet to the Wind

I'm in the zone in all areas. I feel like I could assemble a large puzzle. —Blake

Blake on Mark Zuckerberg

He's just an eccentric programmer that happened to develop the most popular social media platform in the world.

Blake on Alexa

So I can literally ask it whatever.

It's a Pleasant Surprise

You never know when a song is going to be about murder. —Nicolette

One Mixer Short of a Full Bar

I want you to have everything you want. But I don't have anything to mix with vodka. —Blake

Adoption Announcement

Tanya: Did she say a kid?
Me: She said a cat.
Tanya: No, she said a kid.

Girls Trip (Names Withheld to Protect the Innocent)

"Body fart"

"I think meat stick could be really good because it could be a Slim Jim or..."

"Come here, bad girl."

"My smile muscles are inflamed."

"The back of the van, where Ali was conceived."

"In New Zealand, if you're a cunt, you're a good cunt."

"I need a verb." "Prairie-doggin'."

"Twerking. It makes me have to pee, though."

Like Mother, Like Daughter

I'm living my best life—but don't put apples in my dessert. —Nicolette

What Meat Loaf Was Referring To

I would do anything for you—except talk to those motherfuckers at Mortgage Bank. —Eric

More Cowbell

Me: What are you doing to your exhaust?
Blake: Trying to make it sound like a Porsche.
Me: [side eye] Are you trying to make a loud car?
Blake: It's not loud...um...it's tuned. When you see what I create, you'll understand.

No Axes Allowed

Bobbi: Mike, we're having the lumberjack party here.

Mike: Those fuckers aren't coming in my house, though. 

OK, In the Ear

"If you can put that in your vagina, then surely I can put it her ear." —Sommer

Blake on Couples Therapy

"There are two sides to every story: black, white, and gray."

I'm a Gemini

Me: I'm going to make my New Year's tradition to do nothing.
Blake: You were just talking about cleaning out the house.

He's Way Ahead of Me

Me: How many firearms do you think are in the building?
Blake: Twelve.

Sympathy Cards from the Coroner

What do they say? He was beautiful inside and out?—Laura

She Doth Protest Too Much

Mark: Laura used to put her birds in the freezer.
Laura: That's a lie.

Spring Break!

Me: We're so nerdy. We're folding our clothes.
Blake: That's the reality. We can't be out of sorts.

Not on the Same Page

Sommer: If you went in my bathroom, it looks like a dog..."
Laura: Was murdered in there?
Sommer: No...got a haircut in there.

Bro Code

He texted and said, "You around?" which is code for "Meet me at the Tilted Kilt and give me some Adderall." —Jason

What Lies Beneath

“Wherever there’s a body of water, someone’s going to put a body in it.” —Blake

The Future

Blake: They're going to have dogs.
Me: They're going to have robots.
Blake: They're going to have tiny little robotic dogs, because they're perfect and they don't fuck up.

Election 2016

"Here's the deal: What is wrong with everybody?" --Mike