What Meat Loaf Was Referring To

I would do anything for you—except talk to those motherfuckers at Mortgage Bank. —Eric

More Cowbell

Me: What are you doing to your exhaust?
Blake: Trying to make it sound like a Porsche.
Me: [side eye] Are you trying to make a loud car?
Blake: It's not loud...um...it's tuned. When you see what I create, you'll understand.

No Axes Allowed

Bobbi: Mike, we're having the lumberjack party here.

Mike: Those fuckers aren't coming in my house, though. 

OK, In the Ear

"If you can put that in your vagina, then surely I can put it her ear." —Sommer

Blake on Couples Therapy

"There are two sides to every story: black, white, and gray."

I'm a Gemini

Me: I'm going to make my New Year's tradition to do nothing.
Blake: You were just talking about cleaning out the house.

He's Way Ahead of Me

Me: How many firearms do you think are in the building?
Blake: Twelve.

Sympathy Cards from the Coroner

What do they say? He was beautiful inside and out?—Laura

She Doth Protest Too Much

Mark: Laura used to put her birds in the freezer.
Laura: That's a lie.

Spring Break!

Me: We're so nerdy. We're folding our clothes.
Blake: That's the reality. We can't be out of sorts.

Not on the Same Page

Sommer: If you went in my bathroom, it looks like a dog..."
Laura: Was murdered in there?
Sommer: No...got a haircut in there.

Bro Code

He texted and said, "You around?" which is code for "Meet me at the Tilted Kilt and give me some Adderall." —Jason

What Lies Beneath

“Wherever there’s a body of water, someone’s going to put a body in it.” —Blake

The Future

Blake: They're going to have dogs.
Me: They're going to have robots.
Blake: They're going to have tiny little robotic dogs, because they're perfect and they don't fuck up.

Election 2016

"Here's the deal: What is wrong with everybody?" --Mike

Vegas, Baby

"When you're in Vegas, you dress up. That's the whole thing." --Blake

Second Marriage Wish List

“Maybe you'll find someone just like me, but who likes camping.” —Eric

The Answer Is 42

“I've had a big dog before. It's not the answer.” —Blake

Planet Earth: Rainforest vs. Arctic

“Your stick's dirty? I'm sorry—I'm keeping my baby alive with my fat rolls.” —Sarah

Tales from Mount Laurel

“He's the only guy I know to ride a horse to Area 41. Then his wife's implants were inflamed and he had to go home and care for her.” —Bailey

Get in Your Place, Bass

“It's not all about the bass. It's about rock and roll. But bass is good.” —Blake

On a Pedestal

Me: I used to play with those when I was a baby.
Blake: All the best things in life, you probably used to play with.

Blake on The Walking Dead

It's what could really happen, zombie-wise.

No, Please, Keep Talking

Loud drunk girl: The Grammys are made out of their own special element called Grammium and they had to make a place for it on the elemental table.
Bartender: Shhhh

Moving Day

Me: This bed has been moved so many times.

Eric: You'd think it would know how to get ready on its own.