Happy New Year, Baby

"Baby, it's 2011. We're not worried about money anymore." ~Eric

Drunken Goat Cheese

Eric: That's what I want to be reincarnated as.

Kailyn and Kate: Cheese?

Eric: No, a drunk goat.

Great Expectations

"I spend 79 cents on a pen, I want it to draw for 10 miles." ~Eric

Old Man Ozzy

"What's wrong with Ozzy? He's awesome. He's like an old man, but he's emo." ~10-year-old kid at Mudtown

The Elian Gonzalez Museum

"Had to be aliens. No earthly event would make a closet worth looking at." ~Mickey

Grow Up, Already

Me: "What are you, still in your early twenties?" It just sounds like such an insult.
Eric: It's not an insult. It's a concern.

Evil Monkey

"The last straw was when the monkey bit my sister." —my grandmother

Entrepreneur Goes Rogue

"I've figured out why all my previous money-making ideas haven't panned out. I've been trying to work within the limits of the law." ~Eric

Yet He Didn't Buy the Shoes

Me: You look like a cross between Jesus and a 40-year-old Sandestin-goer.

Eric: That sounds like a life worth living.

I Don't Take Him Seriously

Me: Why do you keep thinking about that quote? Because it's the funniest thing you've ever said?
Eric: You just think the things I say are funny. But in context, they're serious, maybe even profound.

It Just Rolls Off His Tongue

Scott: I have to credit Andy for injecting the word urate into the conversation.
Susan: Doesn't everybody?

Stuff You Can Do While Looking Up, I Presume

"My animal's going to be a catfish, and he's always going to be looking up, so all you see is mouth and whiskers. But he's not going to be just sitting there. He's going to be doing stuff." ~Eric

I'm My Husband's Beard

"It's not completely gay because I'm married." ~Eric

Real Dogs Don't Wear Slickers

"Bishop wouldn't wear his raincoat. He knew it made him look gay." ~Alice

She's From Mississippi; She Had It Coming

Anna: When my grandfather was doing our family tree...

Bill: He couldn't get the tree to fork?

No One Ever Teaches You How To Dress Like a 33-Year-Old

"I'm trying to figure out how to save my sanity in this outfit." ~Eric

What We Didn't Do in Austin

Eric: See? there's people walking all around the capitol.

Me: Do you want to do that?

Eric: No! I hate the Texas government.

A Bug Lover's Life

"I was feeling faint because I was thinking about that movie, Aliens. But I'm an entomologist. I couldn't just leave it there." ~Mark Moffett

Catwoman: Maybe Not So Crazy After All

Eric, looking at a picture of a cheetah: That is just the most beautiful animal. I can see why that plastic surgery lady wanted to look like that.

He Doesn't Take Kindly to Health Food

Eric: Aren't beans technically not a vegetable?

Me: They're a legume.

Eric: Watch your mouth.

I Think I'm Being Mocked

Me: Stop, they know you're mocking them.

Eric: They shove their tongues up their own noses. They don't know what mocking is.

(a little bit later)

Eric: Does that goat know I'm mocking him too? He's old enough to know."

Kids: Stifling Sopranos Everywhere

"I didn't get to sing in the choir very much when we were in Kansas City because I was having babies and couldn't go much. In Greenville, I couldn't sing in the choir because I had to sit with the children that I'd had." ~my grandmother 

The Effects of Too Much Super Mario Brothers

"Why is it that when I'm carrying on a conversation in my head, it's always with an Italian guy's voice?" ~Eric

Critics Are Raving

"Well, al.com actually has some interesting stories. They've got Kendra, these dressed-up bears..." ~Eric

"I don't read the comments on al.com to be enlightened. I want flame wars." ~Eric

Why Winn-Dixie Moved The Beer

"People don't cook out anymore. They get drunk. Don't underestimate the importance of that statement." ~Eric