Kate's Quote Book

Car Problems

2012-01-20T11:41:00.000-06:00

"I broke my whole undercarriage, and that's not a euthanism." -Megan

House Hunting

2012-01-20T11:40:00.005-06:00

Me: If you find a walking house...
Eric: You don't hesitate. You buy that shit.

Living With You, for One

2012-01-20T11:40:00.004-06:00

Me: I don't want to live on a hill like that. That would get old, I'm telling you.
Eric: You say that about a lot of things. What wouldn't get old, besides being in a traveling carnival?

They're More Concerned About the Cheap Shirt

2012-01-20T11:40:00.003-06:00

"And then my shirt breaks and my boob falls out, and I'm like, 'Oh, yeah, we're in a gay club. I don't care.'" -Megan

God Doesn't Understand Highway 280

2012-01-20T11:40:00.000-06:00

Eric: They didn't have traffic lights when God was around...I guess God was never really "around."
Me: God was always around.
Eric: Yeah, but not in traffic.

A Good Host Blames It on the Guests

2011-11-14T00:22:00.003-06:00

"If we run out of food, we'll just say, 'Good God, y'all eat a lot." -Eric

Pot Kettle Black

2011-11-03T19:24:00.002-05:00

Eric: She called YOU a redneck?
Dawn: Yeah. In her jorts.

I'm Concerned...About Your Manners

2011-11-03T19:24:00.000-05:00

Brendhan: Did you get hit in the head with a football?
Jackson: No.
Brendhan: No SIR.

Beans

2011-11-03T19:23:00.001-05:00

"Beans beans, good for your heart. The more you eat 'em, the more you poot. Beans beans, they're delicious. They're really good. It doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to taste good." -Eric

It's Downhill (Literally) After Kids

2011-11-03T19:21:00.002-05:00

"There's only one thing we used to do that we don't do anymore. We don't make our own hashbrowns. We go down to Waffle House." ~Brendhan

It's Football Season Yeah!

2011-11-03T19:20:00.004-05:00

Me: I'd move to Auburn.
Eric: I know you would. Everybody would. We all want to move to Auburn.
(I start writing.)
Eric: It's not worth writing down. It's common knowledge.

Looks First, Then Ability. But Really Just Looks

2011-11-03T19:18:00.001-05:00

"It's a shame when they pick cheerleaders just because they are good at it." Eric

1 Out of 1500 Ain't--Well, That's Pretty Bad

2011-11-03T18:15:00.001-05:00

"That's the first time I've ever hit someone doing that. I've spent $12 to $15 in pennies flicking them at people." ~Eric

Trash Talk at The Pig

2011-10-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

Cashier: $32.12
Bagger: Why not $12.32?
Cashier: Why not go back to Dunkin Donuts to work?

It's a Fact

2011-08-20T00:12:00.003-05:00

"If I've learned one thing...Never race someone that doesn't have a license plate." ~Eric

2011-08-20T00:06:00.001-05:00

"When I see people doing carbombs, yes I feel older because the thought of doing those makes me cringe, but I feel smarter because I now know that St. Patrick's Day is for amateurs, rookies, and people about to be stopped at roadblocks." --Chris

2011-08-20T00:05:00.001-05:00

"People will break into your house if they think you have In-Laws memorabilia." ~Mark

2011-08-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

"Music should not be about football. That's one of the biggest problems with our state." ~Shawn

Big Day

2011-08-19T23:59:00.001-05:00

Eric: All that happened today?
Amanda: The heart attack and the liquor store and the not-gonna-make-it? Yeah, that was all today.

The Problem with Jam Bands

2011-08-19T23:55:00.000-05:00

Sharon: Are they still on the same song?
Eric: At some point, I need to clap.

Adventures at Egan's

2011-03-09T15:14:00.001-06:00

"I've been working on my closed-quarters kicks." ~ Eric

"Can we get a couple of beers to the bathroom concourse?" ~Tommy

"I actually grew up in Fort Morgan. You know, the fort?" ~Sweet Dog

Why Cam Shouldn't Wing It

2011-03-09T15:12:00.001-06:00

"Had he thought about it before, he wouldn't have talked about his mother's womb on national television." ~Eric

Happy New Year, Baby

2011-03-09T15:09:00.001-06:00

"Baby, it's 2011. We're not worried about money anymore." ~Eric

Drunken Goat Cheese

2011-03-09T15:08:00.001-06:00

Eric: That's what I want to be reincarnated as.

Kailyn and Kate: Cheese?

Eric: No, a drunk goat.

Great Expectations

2011-03-09T15:01:00.003-06:00

"I spend 79 cents on a pen, I want it to draw for 10 miles." ~Eric

Old Man Ozzy

2011-03-09T15:00:00.002-06:00

"What's wrong with Ozzy? He's awesome. He's like an old man, but he's emo." ~10-year-old kid at Mudtown

The Elian Gonzalez Museum

2011-03-09T14:56:00.002-06:00

"Had to be aliens. No earthly event would make a closet worth looking at." ~Mickey

Grow Up, Already

2011-01-05T15:37:00.001-06:00

Me: "What are you, still in your early twenties?" It just sounds like such an insult.

Eric: It's not an insult. It's a concern.

Evil Monkey

2011-01-05T15:17:00.000-06:00

"The last straw was when the monkey bit my sister." —my grandmother

Entrepreneur Goes Rogue

2011-01-05T15:11:00.001-06:00

"I've figured out why all my previous money-making ideas haven't panned out. I've been trying to work within the limits of the law." ~Eric

Yet He Didn't Buy the Shoes

2010-10-02T13:49:00.001-05:00

Me: You look like a cross between Jesus and a 40-year-old Sandestin-goer.

Eric: That sounds like a life worth living.

I Don't Take Him Seriously

2010-10-02T13:43:00.001-05:00

Me: Why do you keep thinking about that quote? Because it's the funniest thing you've ever said?

Eric: You just think the things I say are funny. But in context, they're serious, maybe even profound.

It Just Rolls Off His Tongue

2010-09-09T23:34:00.001-05:00

Scott: I have to credit Andy for injecting the word urate into the conversation.
Susan: Doesn't everybody?

Stuff You Can Do While Looking Up, I Presume

2010-09-09T16:01:00.002-05:00

"My animal's going to be a catfish, and he's always going to be looking up, so all you see is mouth and whiskers. But he's not going to be just sitting there. He's going to be doing stuff." ~Eric

I'm My Husband's Beard

2010-09-09T15:49:00.002-05:00

"It's not completely gay because I'm married." ~Eric

Real Dogs Don't Wear Slickers

2010-09-09T15:38:00.005-05:00

"Bishop wouldn't wear his raincoat. He knew it made him look gay." ~Alice

She's From Mississippi; She Had It Coming

2010-09-08T15:49:00.002-05:00

Anna: When my grandfather was doing our family tree...

Bill: He couldn't get the tree to fork?

No One Ever Teaches You How To Dress Like a 33-Year-Old

2010-08-23T20:29:00.004-05:00

"I'm trying to figure out how to save my sanity in this outfit." ~Eric

What We Didn't Do in Austin

2010-06-22T23:06:00.005-05:00

Eric: See? there's people walking all around the capitol.

Me: Do you want to do that?

Eric: No! I hate the Texas government.

A Bug Lover's Life

2010-06-18T00:58:00.006-05:00

"I was feeling faint because I was thinking about that movie, Aliens. But I'm an entomologist. I couldn't just leave it there." ~Mark Moffett
(so the transcript is now up online, and it turns out my recall wasn't exact, but it's pretty close; you can read the transcript at http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=127238974)

Catwoman: Maybe Not So Crazy After All

2010-05-30T00:52:00.004-05:00

Eric, looking at a picture of a cheetah: That is just the most beautiful animal. I can see why that plastic surgery lady wanted to look like that.

He Doesn't Take Kindly to Health Food

2010-05-11T20:35:00.006-05:00

Eric: Aren't beans technically not a vegetable?

Me: They're a legume.

Eric: Watch your mouth.

I Think I'm Being Mocked

2010-05-09T18:34:00.005-05:00

Me: Stop, they know you're mocking them.

Eric: They shove their tongues up their own noses. They don't know what mocking is.

(a little bit later)

Eric: Does that goat know I'm mocking him too? He's old enough to know."

Kids: Stifling Sopranos Everywhere

2010-04-28T20:31:00.013-05:00

"I didn't get to sing in the choir very much when we were in Kansas City because I was having babies and couldn't go much. In Greenville, I couldn't sing in the choir because I had to sit with the children that I'd had." ~my grandmother

The Effects of Too Much Super Mario Brothers

2010-04-28T11:36:00.008-05:00

"Why is it that when I'm carrying on a conversation in my head, it's always with an Italian guy's voice?" ~Eric

Critics Are Raving

2010-03-13T01:44:00.010-06:00

"Well, al.com actually has some interesting stories. They've got Kendra, these dressed-up bears..." ~Eric

"I don't read the comments on al.com to be enlightened. I want flame wars." ~Eric

Why Winn-Dixie Moved The Beer

2010-03-13T01:42:00.009-06:00

"People don't cook out anymore. They get drunk. Don't underestimate the importance of that statement." ~Eric

Emotional Drinker

2010-02-16T17:42:00.004-06:00

"Where do you find the wine list that suggests the type of wine to go with anger and frustration rather than fish or chicken?" ~Valerie

Gotta Think About the Band...You Know, the One That Only Plays Once a Year

2010-02-14T23:13:00.006-06:00

(completely out of the blue, except that we had just parked by an old pickup)
Eric: If you ever said, "Let's move to Montana and buy an old pickup truck," I'd have to say, "Hmm. Maybe." I mean, it would be the end of Jake Brake...

What I Have To Live With

2010-02-13T18:30:00.008-06:00

(out to eat, "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" playing in background)
Me: How are the chicken fingers?
Eric: Can you ask me that after this song is over?

Either Way, I Have Good Hair

2009-12-15T03:14:00.005-06:00

Me: I AM Tina Fey!
Eric: You are Liz Lemon.

Sigourney's Secret

2009-12-15T00:38:00.009-06:00

"Offer me ears and a tail, and I'll follow you anywhere." ~Sigourney Weaver, The Daily Show, 12/14/09

Tommy Lee Goes To College

2009-11-25T00:18:00.003-06:00

Tommy Lee's tutor: Do you have any goals?
Tommy Lee (playing video game): I don't know how to set this thing to two-player, but I'm going to figure it out.

Always With the Encouragement

2009-11-25T00:15:00.002-06:00

"Just remember, when we start to raise our kids, what kind of cat you raised." ~Eric

Neighborly Love

2009-11-24T23:23:00.006-06:00

Adam: I've never actually seen his wife leave the house.
Eric: Probably because she's inanimate and made of latex.

Lifestyles of the Neat and Clean

2009-11-24T23:19:00.005-06:00

Teacher: We don't have buses at this school.
Student 1: Yes we do. Every morning I see one come through my neighborhood.
Student 2: That's for the maids.
Student 3: And the housekeepers.

It's OK, We're All BFF After 3 Drinks

2009-11-24T00:14:00.001-06:00

Girl I just met: He had her picture sitting by the bed, and I could see it while we were having sex. I don't think he's over her. What do you think?
Girl's friend: She thinks it's too much information.

Biodiversity Training

2009-11-22T13:45:00.004-06:00

"I'm a bird racist. I really need to go home and think about this." ~Alice

Nature or Nomenclature?

2009-11-19T15:07:00.006-06:00

Anna: If a cat could be gay or bulimic, that would be her.
Erin: It probably doesn't help that you call her Sugar.

The Accidental Arsonist

2009-11-19T15:06:00.002-06:00

"Certainly one of the most intriguing interviews was with President Pompidou of France just before he traveled to the U.S. for the first time. He smoked incessantly, with the cigarette wiggling around in his mouth as he talked, and finally hot ash dropped on his desk. It set some papers on fire, smoke was wafting up, and all I could think was, Mon Dieu, I am going to be blamed for the destruction of the Elysée Palace." ~Dick Stolley

Game Night Stealth Tactics

2009-11-13T23:31:00.003-06:00

"You see how the girls cheat. A lot of it's by guilt." ~Bill

A Lethal Combination

2009-11-07T23:23:00.004-06:00

"I used to be in an outlaw country band, but egos got in the way. 'Course, the real problem was, it was just a bunch of alcoholics and drug addicts." ~Mark

Anyone Else Hear Lambs Screaming?

2009-11-07T21:22:00.009-06:00

"Mr. Scherer put his favorite anatomical torso, which dates to about 1940, on a wood pedestal he thinks probably came from a church, in front of a vintage mirror in the great room of his Catskill farmhouse."

~from http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/10/07/garden/20091008-catskills-slideshow_6.html

Double the Unnecessary Adjectives

2009-11-07T01:39:00.004-06:00

Me: They've already used the word unctuous twice in the same issue. That's a word you use like once every 10 years.
Eric: It's a double issue, honey.

Once a Smart-Ass, Always a Smart-Ass

2009-10-29T22:57:00.002-05:00

Amy: You know you're wearing Alabama colors.
Amanda: Well, let's just pretend that I'm...not.
______

Kay: Do you know what that is?
Amanda: A vision board?
Kay: Do you know what it's for?
Amanda: Vision?

All a Rock Star Needs

2009-08-06T20:36:00.004-05:00

"I've got a six-string upstairs, a 12-string downstairs, and I have thoughts." --Q

Get Your Air Drums Right

2009-08-06T20:33:00.009-05:00

"That's on the hi-hat, not the cymbal." ~Eric

You Know You Need To Vacuum When...

2009-08-06T20:33:00.008-05:00

"How did cat hair get up there?" ~Cole, 8

Why I Won't Let Him Go To Asia

2009-07-17T00:01:00.005-05:00

Caption on Sunrise Earth about Chinese fisherman: The traditional palm frond shield repels water and protects from the hot sun.
Eric: Yeah, well it's still unnecessarily shaped. But the skirt too? That's gotta be some gay ceremonial garb or something.

The Man Does Not Snack. And I'm the Weird One?

2009-07-07T22:48:00.007-05:00

Me: Wouldn't it be cool if humans had pouches like kangaroos?
Eric: You'd just keep snack food in yours.
_____

Eric: Lord have mercy on your after-hours colon.

And Let's Hope You Didn't Procreate First

2009-04-27T23:50:00.004-05:00

"People think 'I don't think it will happen to me. I've driven tired plenty of times and not had an accident.' The difficulty with that particular argument is that you usually only have one fatigue-related accident and then you are removed from the gene pool." --straightfaced British guy on sleep deprivation documentary

(Game Night Craziness!)

2009-04-25T13:43:00.008-05:00

"The real bitch of it was everyone thought I was a calculator. I have an antenna!" ~Erin

"Just because I have a pool doesn't mean it's a sex pool." ~Anna

"You're not having a good time without Kohler. K-O-H-L-E-R." ~Anna

Adventures in Puerto Rico

2009-04-25T13:34:00.005-05:00

"We bit off more than we could chew. But we washed it down with some rum punch." ~Eric

"Alabama? Really? You don't sound hick." ~waitress at roadside restaurant

Imagination Is More Important Than Knowledge

2009-04-25T13:31:00.007-05:00

"Life would be so much easier for you if you lived in reality. Your life is a constant episode of Scrubs." ~Eric

Quotable Unclutterer Commenter (Say It Fast)

2009-03-10T18:03:00.004-05:00

"Vegetable juice? Yuck. I just uncluttered my stomach thinking about it." ~Michael, on Unclutterer.com

King of the Road

2009-03-01T16:04:00.003-06:00

Eric B: Mark, you're all over the road.
Mark: It's my road.

A Laser Pointer Isn't One of Them

2009-02-03T18:29:00.004-06:00

"I bring plenty of things to dinner that I don't play with at the table." ~Eric

You Have To Spell Things Out for Some People

2009-01-17T11:40:00.005-06:00

"You cannot become Dennis Rodman." ~my mom, to Nelson

Freeze-Out at the Disco

2009-01-16T19:46:00.003-06:00

"I love winter, but 12 degrees is for Panic at the Disco fans." ~Eric

The Complicated Thought Process of a Network Engineer

2008-12-29T12:00:00.005-06:00

"I would think you're joking, except that I'm pretty sure you're serious." ~Eric

My Thoughts Exactly

2008-12-29T11:56:00.005-06:00

"Why are some cats softer than others? Is it possible I have the softest cat in the world?" ~question sent in to Slate.com's Explainer

Gold, Frankincense, and Futuristic Technology

2008-12-21T10:33:00.005-06:00

Me (listening to "Sleigh Ride"): Do you ever wonder what Christmas used to be like to make people want to write songs like this?
Eric: No. I guess I just assumed they'd always been there. Like when they opened the box that came with Jesus, there were a couple of CDs in there.

Excusable, If He Weren't Parked at Home Depot

2008-12-15T00:39:00.007-06:00

"That's the parking job of a man whose wife is in labor and he has to get parked before the head pops out." ~Eric

Ironically, It's Probably the One Thing He Won't Get

2008-12-15T00:34:00.004-06:00

"All I want for Christmas is some shame." ~Eric

Lots of Fun With Pictionary

2008-12-15T00:31:00.004-06:00

"Fart is equal to smocking. I mean, come on." ~Betsy

Keeping Dion in the Dark: Priceless

2008-11-21T23:14:00.002-06:00

"It doesn't have a pricetag on it. How do I know how much to love you now?" ~Dion

Mini-mosity

2008-11-21T23:12:00.002-06:00

"To me, this is the fun size. Those little ones, those aren't fun." ~Holly, holding up the "real" fun size 3 Musketeers

I Love CBS Football

2008-11-21T23:11:00.003-06:00

"If you're a connoisseur of turnovers, today is your day."~-Verne Lundquist

Our Superstore Is Superer Than Your Superstore

2008-11-21T23:09:00.002-06:00

Adam: Their Wal-Mart isn't even an updated Wal-Mart.

Love? I Don't Know About That

2008-11-21T23:07:00.002-06:00

Me: OK, I'll just sit here and be boring.
Eric: Finally, the Kate I know and love.

How Can Mashed Potatoes Ever Be Wrong?

2008-11-21T23:05:00.003-06:00

Eric: What are you going to cook with that?
Me: Mashed potatoes?
Eric: You just went the wrong way on the delicious scale.

The Accidental Postmodernist

2008-11-04T21:32:00.002-06:00

"I seem to have created a postmodern pagan death punk living space." ~Nelson

A Man's Take on Fear-Inducing Power Tools

2008-10-29T22:39:00.002-05:00

"I'd take that two-cycle chainsaw and make it a four-cycle and add a catalytic converter." --Eric

I Need a Bed, He Needs an Audience

2008-10-22T00:30:00.003-05:00

"I don't know what it is about four beers, but after four, I need a guitar." ~Eric

What You Talkin' About, Willis?

2008-10-07T14:03:00.002-05:00

"You think with your face." ~Eric

Recession Hits High School Pranksters

2008-10-03T22:23:00.003-05:00

Adam: They left a note on a teacher's car saying that they were going to blow it up.
Eric: What ever happened to eggs and toilet paper?
Adam: Those things are expensive these days.

All My Decorating Dilemmas Solved

2008-09-30T15:38:00.003-05:00

Mickey: What you need to do is get some of those shelves you put whatnots on.
Me: I'm not a big fan of whatnots.
Mickey: Well, put something else there, then. I don't know, erotica?

Charm...Attack

2008-09-30T15:24:00.002-05:00

Eric: What are you doing?
Me: Cooking ramen and playing with my paint.
Eric: I love that you're so honest with me...and you're kind of a Saturday Night Live skit.

My Morning Jacket's Latest Album

2008-08-25T10:14:00.002-05:00

"It's like Prince and J. Mascis had a baby and gave it up for adoption and it was raised by Styx and Moby in 1983." ~Eric

Olympic Wisdom: Volleyball

2008-08-22T09:55:00.002-05:00

Announcer: You know, I asked her the other day why she wears the black kinesiotape instead of blue, and she said, "It's like Tiger Woods when he plays on a Sunday. He wears red. I wear black. The power color."
Eric: I doubt it went quite like that.
_____

Me: He keeps saying May. Her name is May-Treanor now.
Eric: Her name is Meesty.